| This is a transcribed copy of The Competition. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode. | |
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| Previous: On Golden Girls | Next: Break-In |
Act 1[]
| ACT 1 | |
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| Speaker | Dialogue |
| Interior: 6151 Richmond Street, morning. SOPHIA can be heard singing loudly in the establishing shot. Fade into THE KITCHEN, where SOPHIA is cooking a pot of pasta sauce and singing happily. DOROTHY enters. | |
| DOROTHY | Ma, what smells so great? |
| SOPHIA | Nothing. Just a little spaghetti sauce I threw together. |
| DOROTHY | Oh, come on. This is your special fourteen-hour sauce. What's the occasion? |
| SOPHIA | Nothing! |
| DOROTHY | Oh, come on. You haven't made this sauce since Uncle Dominic married off that daughter of his. You know, the one who looks like Tony Bennett? Now tell me what's going on. (She dips a spoon in and tastes a sample of the sauce.) Mmm. |
| SOPHIA | I told you, nothing! |
| ROSE enters from the LIVING ROOM, walks over to SOPHIA. | |
| ROSE | Oh, Sophia, that smells heavenly! Is it Chef Boyardee? |
| SOPHIA picks up a nearby knife and hands it to ROSE. | |
| SOPHIA | Stick it in my heart, Rose. It'll hurt less! |
| BLANCHE enters from the LIVING ROOM, carrying a large shopping bag. | |
| BLANCHE | Oh, girls! I cannot believe how extravagant I've been! It cost too much money, but when I saw it in the window, I had to have it. |
| DOROTHY | What? |
| BLANCHE | Look |
| BLANCHE sets down the shopping bag and removes a rather nice bowling ball, displaying it proudly. | |
| BLANCHE | What do you think about that? |
| DOROTHY | It's hard to tell, Blanche. We'd need to see both earrings on. |
| BLANCHE | You silly. I bought it to help Rose and me win the bowling tournament this year. |
| DOROTHY | You think you have a shot at the trophy? I thought the Nielsen twins were unbeatable. |
| BLANCHE | I don't really care whether we win or not. I just like to have fun. And we sure had a good time last year, didn't we, partner? |
| ROSE | (flatly) It was okay. |
| BLANCHE goes to get something from the cabinet. DOROTHY sits down at the kitchen table. | |
| DOROTHY | You know, maybe I should get a partner and enter that tournament. You know, I used to be a pretty decent bowler. |
| SOPHIA | Decent bowler? You were a fabulous bowler - 180 average. |
| ROSE | (shocked) 180?! |
| DOROTHY | Come on. Come on, Ma, you were always a better bowler than I was. |
| SOPHIA | I know. I do everything better than you. |
| SOPHIA tastes a sample of the sauce. She is very impressed with how good the sauce tastes. | |
| SOPHIA | Mmm. If this sauce was a person, I'd get naked and make love to it. God, I love you. |
| DOROTHY | Hey, Ma? Ma, you know that doubles bowling tournament is next weekend. What do you say you and I team up and enter, huh? |
| SOPHIA | No, I can't. I'm too busy. |
| ROSE | I'm sure I could find you a partner, Dorothy. |
| DOROTHY | You're too busy doing what? |
| SOPHIA goes over to the table and hands DOROTHY a letter. | |
| SOPHIA | Here. |
| DOROTHY opens the letter and reads it aloud. | |
| DOROTHY | "Will be in Miami Thursday. Hope to see you. Respectfully yours...Augustine Bagatelli." Who is Augustine Bagatelli? |
| SOPHIA | (sits down at the kitchen table) Nobody. Just a boy I knew from my village in Sicily...that I was engaged to once. |
| DOROTHY | What? |
| BLANCHE | Well, what do you know? Sophia has a past! |
| SOPHIA | That's right, but unlike yours, I didn't need penicillin to get through it. |
| DOROTHY | Ma, you never told me you were engaged. What happened? |
| SOPHIA | The war happened. Augustine went off to fight and I never heard from him again until today. |
| ROSE | I wonder why he looked you up after all this time? |
| SOPHIA | Are you kidding? He was crazy about me. I was the only girl in the village who didn't want to be a nun. |
| SOPHIA turns around and sees BLANCHE sneaking a sample of the sauce. She goes to shoo her away. | |
| SCENE: Interior 6151 Richmond Street, LIVING ROOM. DOROTHY is sitting on the couch reading. SOPHIA enters STAGE LEFT wearing a full-black funeral outfit. | |
| SOPHIA | (turns around) How do I look? |
| DOROTHY | Like a widow in mourning. |
| SOPHIA | Perfect! He'll know I'm available! |
| ROSE enters STAGE RIGHT from the front door. | |
| ROSE | Hi, Dorothy. |
| DOROTHY | Oh, hi. |
| ROSE sees SOPHIA'S outfit and walks across the living room, gives SOPHIA a hug. | |
| ROSE | Oh, Sophia, did your friend die? |
| DOROTHY | Rose, he hasn't come here yet! |
| ROSE | Oh! Well, you certainly look...black. (She begins to exit STAGE LEFT.) |
| DOROTHY | Oh, Rose, did you get me a partner for the bowling tournament? |
| ROSE | Sure did, you're all signed up. (She exits into the KITCHEN.) |
| The doorbell rings, much to Sophia's excitement. | |
| SOPHIA | It's him! |
| DOROTHY | Want me to get it? |
| SOPHIA | No, if he sees me sitting, he'll think I have arthritis! |
| SOPHIA gets off the couch and runs over to the front door. She opens it to reveal AUGUSTINE, a small elderly man, standing on the porch. | |
| AUGUSTINE | Sophia? |
| SOPHIA | Augustine? |
| The couple looks each other up and down. | |
| SOPHIA, AUGUSTINE | You shrunk! |
| DOROTHY gets up from the couch and walks STAGE RIGHT, holding her hand out to introduce herself. | |
| DOROTHY | Hello, I'm Dorothy. I'm Sophia's daughter. |
| AUGUSTINE | Augustine Bagatelli. (He takes Dorothy's hand and kisses it.) |
| DOROTHY | I'm sure you two have a great deal to catch up on. Nice to have met you. |
| DOROTHY turns away and begins walking STAGE LEFT to the KITCHEN. She pauses and then turns around. | |
| DOROTHY | Oh, Ma, I'll be right here in the kitchen in case he gets fresh. |
| DOROTHY pauses, realizing what she's just said. | |
| DOROTHY | Sorry. |
| DOROTHY exits STAGE LEFT through the KITCHEN door. SOPHIA and AUGUSTINE walk further into the LIVING ROOM, sitting down on the couch. | |
| SOPHIA | So, uh, what's new? |
| AUGUSTINE | Not much. You? |
| SOPHIA | Not much. |
| They pause briefly, unsure of what to say next. | |
| AUGUSTINE | My condolences on your husband's passing. |
| SOPHIA | Thank you. I've been in mourning twenty-two years. |
| AUGUSTINE | My wife's been dead thirty-one years. Philomena Del Nero. She was from our village. |
| SOPHIA | Is she the one whose father used to stand outside of town, drink Chianti, and play with a top all day? |
| AUGUSTINE | Yes. He lived with us for two years after we get married. Thank God he drank himself to death. |
| They pause once more. | |
| SOPHIA | You feel like going for a walk? |
| AUGUSTINE | (smiles) Oh, I'd love it! |
| The couple helps each other stand up from the couch. Each thanks the other as they walk STAGE RIGHT to the front door, Sophia on AUGUSTINE'S arm.SCENE: Interior 6151 Richmond Street, KITCHEN. ROSE watches AUGUSTINE and SOPHIA through the kitchen door while DOROTHY reads her magazine at the kitchen table. | |
| ROSE | Oh, tis is so cute! I think they're going for a walk. |
| DOROTHY | Rose, get away from that door. |
| ROSE moves away from the door, walking over towards DOROTHY. | |
| ROSE | I can't help it. I just think it's amazing that a man would look up his first love after all these years. Well, I wonder why Italian men are so romantic. |
| DOROTHY | It's the tight pants, Rose. |
| DOROTHY | So, tell me, who'd you sign me up to bowl with? |
| ROSE | Oh, I wanted to talk to you about that. |
| BLANCHE enters from the LIVING ROOM door, looking absolutely stunned. | |
| BLANCHE | Well, I am stunned! Just stunned! Stunned is the only way to describe how... stunned I am! |
| DOROTHY | Just a minute, just a minute, Blanche. Are you trying to tell us...that you are stunned? |
| BLANCHE | Don't you make fun of me, Dorothy Zbornak! I just saw the signup sheet down at the bowling alley. Rose dumped me as her partner! And then the two of you signed up together. |
| BLANCHE and DOROTHY look at Rose accusingly. | |
| ROSE | I did it. Dorothy's a better bowler than you are and I want to win this year! |
| DOROTHY | Rose, how could you do a thing like this? |
| ROSE | I admit it. I have a problem. (ROSE and BLANCHE move STAGE LEFT around the kitchen table.) I'm too competitive when it comes to athletics. I've never told anybody this, but I had to transfer high schools because of a field hockey incident. |
| DOROTHY | Rose, that was a terrible thing to do, dumping Blanche. I'm not gonna be your partner. |
| BLANCHE | Oh, no, I want you all to stay partners. I've already got another partner. I signed up with Olga Nielsen. Ha-ha. |
| BLANCHE walks STAGE LEFT to the LIVING ROOM door. ROSE is flabbergasted and chases after her. | |
| ROSE | (shouting) Olga Nielsen?! |
| ROSE | Oh, that's impossible! Olga always bowls with her twin sister Sonja! |
| BLANCHE | That was before Olga found out Sonja's been sleeping with her boyfriend, Lars. And not telling him he had the wrong sister. |
| BLANCHE | Oh, Rose Nylund, I can't wait to whoop your butt! |
| BLANCHE exits STAGE LEFT. ROSE goes to sit down at the kitchen table. | |
| ROSE | Olga Nielsen is a terrific bowler! They could beat us! |
| DOROTHY | There is no "us," Rose. I am not bowling with you! |
| ROSE | Oh, Dorothy. I don't ask many favors of you, but I'm asking one now. I'm begging. Please, as a friend, be my partner. Blanche has somebody to bowl with. |
| ROSE | (gets up and holds onto Dorothy's shoulders.) You want somebody to bowl with. I need somebody to bowl with. Please, just say yes and nobody will get hurt. |
| DOROTHY | Oh, all right! |
| ROSE | (seriously) Unless we don't win. |
| DOROTHY looks up at ROSE, very concerned. | |
| SCENE: Exterior, 6151 Richmond Street, afternoon, a few days later. DOROTHY is trimming the plants out on the lanai. SOPHIA enters from the house, STAGE LEFT. | |
| SOPHIA | Hi! |
| DOROTHY | Oh, hi, Ma. Where you been? |
| SOPHIA | I took Augie to that cafeteria at the mall. |
| DOROTHY | Ah. You know, you and Augie have been seeing a lot of each other these past few days. |
| SOPHIA | Yeah, we've been having a lot of fun. Augie's a terrific guy. And a gentleman! Every time I leave the table, he tries to stand up. |
| DOROTHY | It's a shame he has to go back to Sicily so soon. It would have been nice if the two of you had more time together. |
| SOPHIA | I'm glad you said that because he wants me to go back with him. |
| DOROTHY | What? |
| SOPHIA | Not for good. Just for the San Gennaro festival. That's where we met, sixty-five years ago. I want to go back. |
| DOROTHY | Oh, gee, Ma. I'm sorry, honey, but I can't let you go. |
| SOPHIA | (indignantly) Who's asking your permission? I'm going anyway. |
| DOROTHY | Ma, look, I absolutely forbid it! Now, come on, you've had a stroke, you have high blood pressure. It would be lunacy to risk your health this way! Listen, you are not the woman you used to be. I'd feel terrible if something happened to you. |
| SOPHIA | At my age, I can't worry about that. This is special. I've made up my mind! I'm going. |
| DOROTHY | Oh, then I'm wasting my breath. You're a grown woman. I can't tell you what to do. |
| SOPHIA | I know. Now lend me $1200, for the airfare. |
| DOROTHY is annoyed. | |
| DOROTHY | Non ché pensare! |
| As SOPHIA speaks, ROSE enters from STAGE LEFT. | |
| SOPHIA | I can't believe you're denying your own mother! |
| ROSE | Denying her what? |
| DOROTHY | Springsteen tickets, Rose. Will you please stay out of this? |
| SOPHIA | Dorothy's trying to keep Augustine and me apart. |
| ROSE | That absolutely adorable man? Dorothy, how could you? |
| SOPHIA | Oh, Rose, you're such a good person. Many, many times I wished you were my daughter. |
| DOROTHY | Ma, please. |
| SOPHIA | And you, Dorothy, are a tall disappointment. I can understand why Rose is dumping you as her bowling partner. |
| DOROTHY pauses, turns to SOPHIA and ROSE. | |
| DOROTHY | Rose is dumping Blanche. She is not dumping me. |
| SOPHIA | Oh, yes she is. I heard her on the phone! |
| SOPHIA exits STAGE LEFT, leaving DOROTHY and the sheepish ROSE on the lanai. | |
| ROSE | Your mother's right, Dorothy. |
| DOROTHY | You begged me to be your partner and now you're dumping me? |
| ROSE | You and I could never beat Blanche and Olga Nielsen! That's why I had to team up with her sister Sonja. I need to win, Dorothy. And let's face it, you are no Sonja Nielsen! |
| DOROTHY | (places her hand on Rose's shoulder) Rose...get professional help. |
| BLANCHE enters from STAGE LEFT. DOROTHY sits down at the patio table. | |
| BLANCHE | Well, I am devastated! Just devastated! |
| BLANCHE | Devastated-! |
| DOROTHY | Oh, knock it off! |
| BLANCHE | (sits down in a patio chair) You are not gonna believe what happened! Those Nielsen twins are back together. |
| ROSE | (shocked) What?! |
| BLANCHE | Lars Lindquist, the man they were fighting over? He's dead. Found slumped over a desk at his Volvo dealership. When the girls found out about it, they decided to forgive each other. Now they're back together in the tournament! |
| Sensing that her chances to win are now slim to none, ROSE sidesteps back to DOROTHY. | |
| ROSE | Oh, gee, Blanche. It's too bad you won't have anybody to bowl with now. (to Dorothy) We better get down to the alley for some practice, partner. |
| DOROTHY | Forget it Rose. I am dumping you! Blanche, how would you like me to be your partner? |
| BLANCHE | Oh, I would love it! |
| ROSE | Dorothy, you can't do this. Now I don't have a partner. |
| SOPHIA enters from STAGE LEFT. | |
| SOPHIA | Yes, you do. I'll be your partner, Rose. |
| DOROTHY | Ma! |
| SOPHIA | You think I can't take care of myself? You think I'm too feeble to go to Sicily? I'll show you who's not the woman she used to be! |
| SOPHIA | (begins to exit STAGE LEFT) Come on, Blanche! |
| ROSE | I'm Rose. |
| SOPHIA | Simple mistake! Means nothing! |
Act 2[]
| ACT 2 | |
|---|---|
| Speaker | Dialogue |
| Interior: 6151 Richmond Street, 6:00 AM. BLANCHE is in the kitchen, sleeping on the kitchen table. She is smiling and moaning, clearly having a good dream. DOROTHY enters from the LIVING ROOM door. | |
| DOROTHY | Blanche, let's go! (exits into living room) |
| BLANCHE | (moans) |
| DOROTHY | (enters once again) Come on, Blanche! Let's go! |
| BLANCHE | (sleepily) Oh... |
| DOROTHY walks over to the table, leans down towards Blanche. | |
| DOROTHY | (deep voice) Blanche, wake up. My wife will be home any minute. |
| BLANCHE suddenly wakes up, jumping out of the chair and running around the table. | |
| BLANCHE | Oh! Where's my shoes?! |
| BLANCHE begins to put on her shoes, then sees DOROTHY standing there. She stands back up. | |
| BLANCHE | Oh, Dorothy, that was a terrible thing to do! |
| DOROTHY | I'm sorry, but we have to get down to the bowling alley. |
| BLANCHE | Oh, it's 6:00 AM. Why are you making me do this? |
| DOROTHY | You have to go! The bowling tournament is tomorrow. Now, we need the practice! |
| BLANCHE | Oh, we practiced enough! Every morning before work, every evening after work. All I ever wanted was to look cute in my bowling outfit. |
| DOROTHY | Honey, aren't you forgetting something? Rose dumped you. |
| BLANCHE | That's right, she did. I hate being dumped. Just hate it! I haven't been dumped since Wade Honeycutt threw me over for Rebecca Wilkinson, a girl who did not value her reputation. |
| DOROTHY | Did you let him get away with it? |
| BLANCHE | Hell, no. |
| DOROTHY | What'd you do? |
| BLANCHE | Slept with his brother. |
| BLANCHE gets up from the table and exits STAGE RIGHT. DOROTHY follows. | |
| BLANCHE | Come on, partner. Let's go get even! |
| DOROTHY | Oh, please, Blanche. I'm fifty-five and Rose has six brothers! |
| BLANCHE and DOROTHY enter the LIVING ROOM. | |
| BLANCHE | I'm talking about the bowling alley. I mean, down at the bowling... |
| DOROTHY | (shushes Blanche) Shh. I don't want them to know we're sneaking in all this extra practice. |
| BLANCHE | Oh, right! |
| DOROTHY and BLANCHE go to the front door. To their surprise, ROSE and SOPHIA come in the front door with their bowling gear. | |
| ROSE | Morning! |
| BLANCHE | Aha, morning. |
| ROSE and SOPHIA walk past BLANCHE and ROSE, setting their gear down on the floor. | |
| ROSE | Well, you two are up kind of early. |
| DOROTHY | But not as early as you two. But then again, you need the practice. |
| BLANCHE and DOROTHY laugh as they prepare to leave. | |
| SOPHIA | Dorothy, if you're so sure of yourself, how about a little side bet? |
| DOROTHY | What did you have in mind? |
| SOPHIA | If I win, you'll lend me the money to fly to Sicily with Augie. |
| DOROTHY | No. |
| DOROTHY prepares to leave, but SOPHIA begins clucking like a chicken. DOROTHY storms back into the house. | |
| DOROTHY | All right, fine. But if I win, I get those antique silver earrings that you never let me borrow. |
| SOPHIA | You're on! |
| DOROTHY | Come on, Blanche. |
| DOROTHY exits the house. ROSE approaches BLANCHE. | |
| ROSE | Blanche, do you want to have a side bet with me? |
| BLANCHE | Well, I would Rose, but everything you own is so damn ugly. |
| BLANCHE | Oh, I can't wait to whoop your butt! |
| BLANCHE exits the house. | |
| SCENE: Brunswick Lanes, afternoon. BLANCHE and DOROTHY arrive at their alley, carrying their bowling gear. BLANCHE is dressed in her favorite bowling outfit. | |
| DOROTHY | Now here we are, alley number seven. |
| BLANCHE | Oh, number seven! That's my favorite! I'm so glad we got number seven. |
| BLANCHE runs over to their seats, DOROTHY follows. | |
| DOROTHY | You're not superstitious? |
| BLANCHE | No, it's adjacent to the men's locker room. When that door opens, you can see right in there. |
| DOROTHY | Who cares, Blanche. We have more important things on our (She sees someone exiting the locker room off-screen, and becomes distracted.)...(minds. |
| As the ladies set up, ROSE and SOPHIA enter the alley. | |
| SOPHIA | Take a load off, Rose. We're here, alley number seven. |
| BLANCHE | Wait a minute, what are you all doing here? We're supposed to be sharing this alley with the Nielsen twins. |
| ROSE | They had to drop out to go to Lars' funeral. |
| DOROTHY | I thought Lars' funeral was yesterday. |
| ROSE | It was, but he requested an authentic Viking funeral and every time they tried to set him and his ship on fire, the Coast Guard kept putting it out. They had to reschedule for today. |
| ROSE and SOPHIA take off their jackets, revealing they are wearing identical outfits to BLANCHE'S. BLANCHE is abhorred by this. | |
| BLANCHE | Look at that! I don't believe that! Look at what they have o |
| BLANCHE gets up from her chair and storms over to ROSE and SOPHIA. | |
| BLANCHE | Rose, take that off! |
| ROSE | What? |
| BLANCHE | You are wearing my bowling outfit. |
| ROSE | (looks down) Why, I do believe you're right. Oh, don't worry about it, honey, nobody will notice. It looks so different on a woman with a full bosom. |
| BLANCHE | Don't you throw your bosom in my face! |
| DOROTHY | Blanche, Blanche, don't you see what's happening? They are resorting to cheap tricks because they know we're better than they are. Now honey, all we have to do to win is just stay cool, calm and collected. |
| BLANCHE | All right. |
| ROSE | (to Sophia) Oh, did you find a ball that's comfortable, Ma? |
| DOROTHY looks over at them. | |
| DOROTHY | What did you call her? |
| ROSE | Ma. |
| SOPHIA | We've grown very close the last few days. |
| DOROTHY | Now listen, no one calls her "Ma" except me. You got that? Have I made that clear? |
| BLANCHE | Dorothy, Dorothy, calm down, calm down. |
| DOTOHY goes back to her seat. | |
| SOPHIA | What did I tell you? I knew it would get under her skin. |
| BLANCHE | All right, everybody's started except us. Could we please begin? |
| SOPHIA | Okay, I'm up. |
| SOPHIA picks up her bowling ball and hobbles over to the lane. She slowly rolls the ball down the lane. | |
| SOPHIA | Strike. Mark it down. |
| DOROTHY | The ball hasn't even gotten there yet! Look, all you've got is a one, two, three, four, (Slows down in disbelief as the pins are knocked down one by one.) five, six, seven, eight, nine... |
| BLANCHE | Darn! |
| SOPHIA | Strike! Mark it down. (She goes back to her seat.) |
| BLANCHE | All right, Dorothy. You go get 'em, darlin'. Go get 'em good. |
| DOROTHY | Nothing to it. As I told you before, all we have to do to win is just stay calm, cool, and collected. |
| DOROTHY picks up her ball and goes over to the lane. | |
| ROSE | Another hot dog, Ma? |
| DOROTHY drops the ball. | |
| TIME LAPSE. ROSE throws her ball, only to get a low score. | |
| ROSE | Darn! I left three pins. I can't believe it! |
| BLANCHE | Ha-ha! I can't believe you can swing that ball past your hip. |
| DOROTHY and BLANCHE laugh. SOPHIA enters from STAGE LEFT, having gone to check the scoreboards. | |
| SOPHIA | Rose, everyone is finished and I checked the score. If you can pick up a spare in the last frame, we'll be leading the tournament! |
| ROSE | Consider it done, Ma. |
| SOPHIA | Go to it. |
| ROSE picks up her ball and bowls it again. She picks up the spare. | |
| ROSE | (elated) I did it! I did it! We're in the lead! We're gonna win! We're gonna win! We're gonna win! |
| DOROTHY | Rose, Rose, aren't you forgetting something? We haven't bowled our last frame yet. We can still win. And we will. |
| ROSE | Oh, I don't think so. You see, I've bowled with Blanche before. Maybe this isn't the best time to mention it, but when the chips are down, Blanche chokes. Don't you, sweetheart? |
| BLANCHE | Eat chalk, Nylund. |
| DOROTHY | You go get 'em, Blanche. |
| BLANCHE picks up her ball and goes to the lane. However, she just stands there, refusing to bowl the ball. | |
| DOROTHY | Blanche? Blanche? |
| DOROTHY goes up to BLANCHE and holds her shoulders from behind. | |
| BLANCHE | I'm fine. I just feel a little cold and clammy and just a little short of breath. |
| DOROTHY | Now you just settle down, you hear me? Settle down. |
| BLANCHE | Don't make me do this, Dorothy. This ball feels like it weighs about a hundred pounds. |
| DOROTHY | Honey, I sympathize with you. Anyone who has ever competed understands what you're going through. Listen, sweetheart, if you don't feel like bowling, you don't have to. |
| BLANCHE | Oh, good. |
| DOROTHY | You just hold onto the ball, and I'll throw you down the alley. |
| DOROTHY goes back to her chair while BLANCHE stands at the front of the lane. BLANCHE drops the ball and runs back to her seat. | |
| DOROTHY | This is embarrassing! Get back out there! |
| BLANCHE | No, I don't want to. I just hate bowling. All I ever wanted to do is look cute in my new outfit. |
| ROSE | We all look cute in your new outfit! |
| ROSE and SOPHIA shake their chests, much to BLANCHE'S fury. | |
| BLANCHE | Oh, that does it! |
| BLANCHE picks her ball up and stomps back over to the lane. She winds up and bowls, beaming with pride as she knocks the pins down. | |
| BLANCHE | Ha! I did it! I did it! |
| DOROTHY | You did what? You knocked down two pins! |
| BLANCHE | It's a personal triumph. |
| DOROTHY | Well, we're not out of it yet. All we need to win is a spare. |
| As DOROTHY gets up and prepares to bowl, AUGUSTINE comes out of the crowd of spectators. | |
| AUGUSTINE | Sophia? |
| SOPHIA | (gets up to greet him) Hi, Augie! |
| AUGUSTINE | Did you win? Can you go? |
| SOPHIA | I don't know yet. |
| DOROTHY shoots her shot. | |
| DOROTHY | Strike! |
| BLANCHE | No, you left the nine pin. |
| DOROTHY | Oh, easy spare. I've made this shot a dozen times. |
| AUGUSTINE | Your daughter is a very good player, Sophia. She must have picked it up from you, huh? |
| SOPHIA | How do you know I'm a good bowler? |
| AUGUSTINE | Because you were so good at bocce ball. Remember, we played together once? |
| SOPHIA | Oh, yeah. After the grape harvest. Boy, that was a nice afternoon. |
| AUGUSTINE | Very nice. |
| SOPHIA | You know what else was nice about that day? That was my first kiss. |
| AUGUSTINE | Mine too. |
| DOROTHY watches their chat from the sidelines. | |
| BLANCHE | Go get 'em, Dorothy. Whoop their butts. |
| DOROTHY winds up and shoots her shot. The ball rolls down the lane...and into the gutter. | |
| BLANCHE | Oh, Dorothy! A gutter ball! |
| ROSE | (screaming) A gutter ball! We won! We won! I won! I won! You lost and I won! |
| As the spectators applaud the end of the tournament, SOPHIA and DOROTHY go to each other and shake hands. | |
| SOPHIA | You lost the bet. That means I'm going. |
| DOROTHY | You go, honey, and with my blessing. |
| SOPHIA | I'm touched. Do I have your 1,200 bucks? |
| DOROTHY | (exasperated) You have my blessing and you have my money. |
| SOPHIA | For another thousand, I could go first class. |
| DOROTHY | (salutes Sophia) Arrivederci! |
| SCENE: Interior, 6151 Richmond Street, several days later. SOPHIA and DOROTHY are on the couch together as SOPHIA regales her with her trip to Sicily. | |
| SOPHIA | So Augie and I took a bus to Palermo to look up our old friend Teresa DiFino. We spent two hours on the bus. Another hour looking for her house. We finally find the house, knock on the door, and what do you know? She died. |
| DOROTHY | Ma, it happens. |
| SOPHIA | That morning! |
| DOROTHY | Yeah, but aside from that. You and Augie really had a great time, huh? |
| SOPHIA | The best. Going home brought back a lot of nice memories. And at my age, it's nice to have someone to share it with. |
| SOPHIA | Oh, I almost forgot. (She stands and takes something out of her purse.) Here, this is for you. |
| DOROTHY takes the gift, looking a bit surprised. | |
| DOROTHY | Your antique earrings. |
| SOPHIA | They're yours. You won them fair and square. |
| DOROTHY | Oh, come on. What are you talking about? You and Rose won that tournament. |
| SOPHIA | Please. You blew it on purpose. The nine pin for the spare is your best shot. You could make that shot all day long. Here, enjoy them. |
| SOPHIA | Okay, okay, I gotta unpack. I got a valise full of clams about to go bad. |
| SOPHIA exits STAGE LEFT to her bedroom. ROSE enters through the front door. | |
| ROSE | Hi, Dorothy. |
| DOROTHY | Don't talk to me. |
| BLANCHE enters from the kitchen door. | |
| ROSE | Hi, Blanche. |
| BLANCHE | Don't talk to me. |
| ROSE | I know you're both still angry with me and you have every right to be, but I hope you can forgive me for the way I acted. Winning doesn't mean anything if it means losing your two best friends. Besides, we all bowled well this year. (She removes the bowling trophy from her bag.) That's why I had all our names engraved on this trophy. In my opinion, we're all winners. |
| BLANCHE and DOROTHY go over to see the trophy. | |
| BLANCHE | Well, Rose. What a sweet thing to do. |
| DOROTHY | Oh, Rose. Can I ask you a question? |
| ROSE | Sure. |
| DOROTHY | Why is your name three times larger than ours? |
| ROSE | Because I'm the one who actually won it. (She yanks the trophy away from her friends.) If you ever want to look at it, it'll be in my bedroom. |
| ROSE exits STAGE LEFT. Roll credits. | |
[]
| V - E - H List of The Golden Girls transcripts | |
|---|---|
| Season 1 | The Engagement • Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding • Rose the Prude • Transplant • The Triangle • On Golden Girls • The Competition • Break-In • Blanche and the Younger Man • The Heart Attack • The Return of Dorothy's Ex • The Custody Battle • A Little Romance • That Was No Lady • In a Bed of Rose's • The Truth Will Out • Nice and Easy • The Operation • Second Motherhood • Adult Education • The Flu • Job Hunting • Blind Ambitions • Big Daddy • The Way We Met |
| Season 2 | End of the Curse • Ladies of the Evening • Take Him, He's Mine • It's a MIserable Life • Isn't It Romantic • Big Daddy's Little Lady • Family Affair • Vacation • Joust Between Friends • Love, Rose • 'Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas • The Sisters • The Stan who Came to Dinner • The Actor • Before and After • And Then There Was One • Bedtime Story • Forgive Me Father • Long Day's Journey into Marinara • Whose Face is This, Anyway? • Dorothy's Prized Pupil • Diamond in the Rough • Son-in-Law Dearest • To Catch a Neighbor • A Piece of Cake • Empty Nests |
| Season 3 | Old Friends • One for the Money • Bringing Up Baby • The Housekeeper • Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself • Letters to Gorbachev • Strange Bedfellows • Brotherly Love • A Visit from Little Sven • The Audit • Three on a Couch • Charlie's Buddy • The Artist • Blanche's Little Girl • Dorothy's New Friend • Grab That Dough • My Brother, My Father • Golden Moments, Part I • Golden Moments, Part 2 • And Ma Makes Three • Larceny and Old Lace • Rose's Big Adventure • Mixed Blessings • Mister Terrific • Mother's Day |
| Season 4 | Yes, We Have No Havanas • The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo • The One That Got Away • Yokel YHero • Bang the Drum, Stanley • Sophia's Wedding, Part 1 • Sophia's Wedding, Part 2 • Brother, Can You Spare That Jacket • Scared Straight • Stan Takes A Wife • The Auction • Blind Date • The Impotence of Being Ernest • Love Me Tender • Valentine's Day • Two Rode Together • You Gotta Have Hope • Fiddler on the Ropes • Till Death Do We Volley • High Anxiety • Little Sister • Sophia's Choice • Rites of Spring • Foreign Exchange • We're Outta Here, Part 1 • We're Outta Here, Part 1 |
| Season 5 | Sick and Tired, Part 1 • Sick and Tired, Part 2 The Accurate Conception • Rose Fights Back • Love Under the Big Top • Dancing in the Dark • Not Another Monday • That Old Feeling • Comedy of Errors • All That Jazz • Ebb Tide • Have Yourself A Very Little Christmas • Blind Date • Mary Has A Little Lamb • Triple Play • CLinton Avenue Memoirs • Like the Beep Beep Beep of the Tom-Tom • An Illegitimate Concer • 72 HOurs • Twice In A Lifetime • Sisters and Other Strangers • Cheaters • The Mangiacavallo Curse Makes a Lousy Wedding Present • All Bets Are Off • The President's Coming! The President's Coming!, Part 1 • The President's Coming! The President's Coming!, Part 2 |
| Season 6 | Blanche Delivers • Once, In St. Olaf • If At Last You Do Succeed • Snap Out Of It • Wham, Bam, Thank You Mammy • Feelings • Zborn Again • How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sophia? • Mrs. George Devereaux • Girls Just Wanna Have Fun... Before They Die • Stand By Your Man • Ebbtide's Revenge • The Bloom Is Off the Rose • Sisters of the Bride • Miles to Go • There Goes the Bride, Part 1 • There Goes the Bride, Part 2 • Older and Wiser • Melodrama • Even Grandmas Get the Blues • Witness • What A Difference A Date Makes • Love for Sale • Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Retirement Home, Part 1 • Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Retirement Home, Part 2 • Henny Penny — Straight, No Chaser |
| Season 7 | Hey, Look Me Over • The Case of the Libertine Belle • Beauty and the Beast • That's For Me to Know • Where's Charlie? • Mother Load • Dateline: Miami • The Monkey Show, Part 1 • The Monkey Show: Part 2 • Ro$e Love$ Mile$ • Room Seven • From Here to the Pharmacy • The Pope's Ring • Old Boyfriends • Goodbye, Mr. Gordon • The Commitments • Questions and Answers • Ebbtide VI: The Wrath of Stan • Journey to the Center of Attention • A Midwinter Night's Dream, Part 1 • A Midwinter Night's Dream, Part 2 • Rose: Portrait of a Woman • Home Again, Rose, Part 1 • Home Again, Rose, Part 2 • One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest, Part 1 • One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest, Part 2 |