This is a transcribed copy of The Check Isn't in The Mail. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
SCENE: 1755 FAIRVIEW ROAD, kitchen.HARRY and DREYFUSS are sitting in the kitchen for breakfast. HARRY is reading the morning paper.
HARRY
Alright. Done with the paper, done with the coffee, and you know what that means, Dreyfuss.
HARRY
It's time…to play sock!
HARRY whips out a sock and starts wildly waving it in the air. DREYFUSS doesn’t show any reaction.
HARRY
Dreyfuss, we do this every morning. You could not possibly have forgotten the rules.
DREYFUSS shows no interest in the sock.
HARRY
Alright, I'll review them for you. It's really very simple.
HARRY
I shake the sock vigorously, you grab it with your teeth, and you pull and you tug, and for some reason derive incredible satisfaction from the whole damn thing.
HARRY
Alright, let's go. One more time here.
HARRY shakes the sock again. DREYFUSS is still uninterested.
HARRY
What's going on in here? What is this?
HARRY
Look at this. You've hardly touched your food. It's not like you to be picky about your diet. Last night, you ate a cockroach.
DREYFUSS gets up and exits into the LIVING ROOM, STAGE LEFT.
HARRY
Hey, it's not like you to be rude, either!
CAROL and BARBARA enter from the front door, STAGE RIGHT, laughing and happy.
HARRY
How was the drive?
BARBARA
It's a great car, Daddy. Carol got herself one terrific automobile.
CAROL
It is terrific, isn't it? Suddenly driving is such a joy.
HARRY
This is not like you to splurge like that.
CAROL
This is turning out to be quite a week. First the car, you and then, this morning, who should I get a call from but my lovely ex-husband?
HARRY
Wait a minute. Wait. Wait. Gary called?
BARBARA
What did he want?
HARRY
No, please let me guess. He has slept with every woman in the world and wants to start all over again.
CAROL
He wants to see me tonight for dinner.
BARBARA
What did you say?
HARRY
What -- the man gave her the five worst years of her life. What do you think she said?
CAROL
Yes.
HARRY
She said yes.
HARRY
(shocked) She said yes?! What are you, crazy?! Listen, that's a very, very bad answer. No was the correct choice.
BARBARA
What does he want?
CAROL
He didn't say. But a couple of days ago, I ran into his friend Brad. I happened to look terrific that day, by the way. And Brad mentioned how Gary was still upset that I kept his fancy rowing machine in the divorce. Maybe he wants it back.
BARBARA
Or maybe Brad told Gary how great you look and maybe Gary wants you back.
HARRY
Now, now that is crazy. That's a very illogical leap. That makes no sense at all.
CAROL
I had the exact same thought.
HARRY is exasperated.
HARRY
Okay, alright, fine I mean, I don't pretend to know much about this stuff, but there is one thing I do know. And that's what your mother would say, if she were here now.
CAROL
What would she say?
HARRY is quite for a moment.
HARRY
I don't know.
HARRY
But it would be good, and she would speak for me, and that would also be good. And when she was finished talking for the two of us, you would cancel that dinner and that would be the last anyone ever heard of it.
HARRY
Except me, because she would have to call me at the office. to tell me what I'd said.
HARRY
I don't get this. I mean, your life was just starting to come together. Why would you want to see him again?
CAROL
All I want is to go to dinner with the man and be so sensational that it leaves him with an aching in his heart. And if it spreads to his groin, that's icing on the cake.
BARBARA
Well, I got to go home and change into my hooker outfit.
HARRY
(shocked) Pardon?
BARBARA
Police business, Daddy. There's a man that's been beating up prostitutes, so I'm going undercover and I'm gonna try to lure him out.
HARRY
Thank you for sharing that with me, dear.
BARBARA exits through the back door, STAGE RIGHT.
CAROL
Okay, Daddy. Let's go for that drive.
HARRY
Honey, could we do that at lunch? I'm a little worried about Dreyfuss right now.
CAROL
What's wrong?
HARRY
Well, mostly he won't play sock. Unless, of course, it's something I'm doing wrong.
HARRY waves the sock in the air, making goofy noises.
HARRY
No, that's right.
TIME LAPSE: Lunchtime. INTERIOR: Community Medical Center.LAVERNE is on the phone with a supplier.
LAVERNE
Yes, a shipment of bandages just come in, and it's 100% wrong. I ordered the Flintstone assortment, and there's not one Bamm-Bamm in the whole lot. Not one damn Bamm-Bamm.
HARRY, KELLY, and MRS. BRIDGES enter the waiting area, STAGE LEFT. MRS. BRIDGES is very worried about her son.
MRS. BRIDGES
Dr. Weston, are you absolutely sure it's just a cold?
HARRY
Positive.
MRS. BRIDGES
But the way he's sneezing and coughing-
HARRY
That's the cold part, Mrs. Bridges. Now if Kelly were not sneezing and coughing, he would be what we call well.
MRS. BRIDGES
You're sure you didn't overlook anything? There's no shame in admitting it, you know.
HARRY
If it would make you feel any better, you could get a second opinion.
MRS. BRIDGES
You are my second opinion.
HARRY
Mrs. Bridges, just take him home, put him to bed, and I promise you, in no time at all, he'll be back to his old self.
MRS. BRIDGES
You say that, but I read an article the other day-
HARRY
No, please, Mrs. Bridges. I thought we made a deal about the articles.
MRS. BRIDGES
I feel a CAT scan would be in order.
HARRY
Really? You do, do you? A CAT scan?
MRS. BRIDGES
Yes.
HARRY
Well, I mean that never occurred to me, but then what the hell do I know? I've only been doing this for thirty years. Whereas you, you've read an article!
HARRY
Goodbye, Mrs. Bridges. We'll see you.
HARRY leads MRS. BRIDGES out of the office and into the waiting area. When she exits, he stoops down and give KELLY a lollipop.
HARRY
Here. You listen to me. You are going to be fine. Her? I dunno.
KELLY exits DOWNSTAGE RIGHT. HARRY goes back towards the front desk.
LAVERNE
If she's this worried about her young'un, you really should be more patient.
LAVERNE
Here's the mail. (She hands HARRY the mail.) All junk. Except for that thing from Ed McMahon.
CAROL enters, DOWNSTAGE RIGHT, and walks up to the front desk.
CAROL
Hi!
HARRY
Hey, there! How's the car?
CAROL
I got the car washed. It's looking great. I got a new dress. I'm looking great. I am completely ready for my dinner with Gary.
LAVERNE
Gary? Your ex-husband Gary? That scum that slept in every bed but yours?
CAROL looks at HARRY disapprovingly.
HARRY
I told Laverne a little bit about him.
HARRY
Listen, are you sure you know what you're doing? I mean, this dinner began as a curiosity, then it became revenge, and now it's a new dress. I'm just afraid you're setting yourself up.
CAROL
I just want to show him that I'm not the same sweet, naive little pushover he was married to. I've come a long way these last two years, Daddy. And I want him to see that.
CAROL
Now come on, change your jacket. I'll go downstairs and get the car.
CAROL exits into the waiting area, DOWNSTAGE RIGHT.
HARRY
I hope she knows what she's doing. I mean, I do hate that ex-husband of hers.
LAVERNE
Back home, we don't have exes. Just husbands and corpses.
TIME LAPSE: Evening. INTERIOR: fancy restaurant.
CAROL and GARY are having dinner at a fancy French restaurant. CAROL looks lovely in her dress.
CAROL
Well, that was very good.
GARY
Good. Would you like some dessert?
CAROL
No. Thank you, Gary. Ordinarily, I would since weight is no longer a problem for me. But tonight I don't want to fill up. You see, I'm meeting a man after I leave here.
GARY
Yes, you mentioned that. Several times.
CAROL
Sorry. Sometimes I'm forgetful. (She notices GARY looking at her.) What?
GARY
I just can't get over how great you look. You really look terrific.
CAROL
(flattered) I know. Eat your heart out.
GARY
You're still angry, aren't you? Even after all this time.
CAROL
I'm only sorry we didn't have children so I could turn them against you too.
CAROL
But enough of this. I am a modern woman. Not one to dwell in the past. Keep moving forward, that's my motto.
CAROL
By the way, did I mention that those few things I used to be reluctant to do with you sexually, I now do all the time and really enjoy?
GARY
Yes, you did.
CAROL
Good. I wanted to be sure to get that in.
GARY
Well, I am glad that you haven't lost your sense of humor. I always loved your sense of humor.
CAROL briefly hesitates.
CAROL
Gary, can I ask you something?
GARY
Sure.
CAROL
Not that it matters, but why all the other women? I never understood that. I mean, I thought we were pretty good together that way.
GARY
(shrugs) What can I say, Carol? Time passes. People change. Besides, look at you. I left the scene and you started to thrive.
CAROL
Well, I don't know about thrive-
GARY
No, no, don't apologize. It only makes what I have to say a lot easier. You see, the reason I wanted to see you tonight...
CAROL stops him.
CAROL
Gary, wait. Don't say it.
CAROL
I can't. I mean, an occasional dinner, fine, but there is just no chance of us getting back together.
GARY
Why would I want that?
GARY
I just wanted to see you so that I could give you this.
GARY takes out an envelope and hands it to CAROL.
GARY
It's the final alimony payment, and I just wanted to give it to you personally.
CAROL stares blankly at the envelope.
GARY
Carol, you knew it was ending this month.
CAROL
Of course.
GARY
(points at the envelope)
CAROL doesn't respond.
GARY
Okay, well, I have some plans for tonight, and I know that there's this man that you have to see, so you know…
GARY gets up from the table and puts on his jacket, blissfully ignorant of CAROL'S pain.
GARY
You really do look terrific. Take care of yourself.
GARY exits, STAGE RIGHT. CAROL sits in silence, staring at the envelope. A waiter comes up to her, carrying the check.
WAITER
Monsieur said that you would take care of this.
The waiter leaves CAROL with both checks. End ACT 1.
CAROL is laying on the couch, despondent. HARRY enters with a cup of cocoa, STAGE RIGHT.
HARRY
Here you go, honey. Come on. Drink this.
CAROL
What is it?
HARRY
It's hot cocoa. Just like your mother used to make when you were upset. Always made you feel better.
CAROL
That's when I was a little girl, Daddy. I'm not a little girl anymore.
HARRY
I know, but it may help anyway. Come on.
CAROL takes the cocoa from HARRY. She looks in the mug.
CAROL
Where's the marshmallow?
HARRY
What?
CAROL
The marshmallow. Mom always put a marshmallow in it.
HARRY
I don't have any marshmallows.
CAROL
(voice breaking) Great. Like this is really gonna help without a marshmallow.
CAROL angrily sets the mug down on the coffee table. BARBARA enters from STAGE LEFT, dressed in an over-the-top prostitute costume. HARRY nearly has a heart attack when he sees her.
BARBARA
I got here as soon as I could. What's the emergency?
HARRY
Barbara! Sweetheart! You look so...
HARRY
Slutty!
BARBARA
Daddy, I told you I was working undercover as a hooker. Now what's wrong?
HARRY
Carol's alimony just ran out. That's why Gary wanted to see her.
CAROL
Now I'm gonna have to sell my condo and my car.
HARRY
Carol, you're working now, and the alimony wasn't that much anyway. You didn't even want the alimony! We made you take it!
CAROL
(monotone) Rice. I'll be eating a lot of rice from now on.
HARRY goes to pick up the mug of cocoa. CAROL stops him.
CAROL
Leave it. I'll drink it straight.
HARRY
Alright, well, I'll make a little more cocoa, and I'll bring you some cookies?
HARRY enters the kitchen. DREYFUSS is laying on the floor.
HARRY
Dreyfuss, it's not a pleasant scene out there.
HARRY
How are you doing? You up for a game of sock? Let's go. Come on.
HARRY takes out a sock and waves it in front of DREYFUSS. DREYFUSS doesn't show any interest. HARRY stoops down to check DREYFUSS out.
HARRY
You know, Dreyf, your nose is still warm. You know what that means, don't you? I got to take you to the vet.
DREYFUSS gets up and runs inside one of the open cabinets.
BARBARA
Carol, that is not a fair comparison. Gandhi had it much worse than you do.
CHARLEY enters through the front door, STAGE LEFT. He sees the girls all dressed up and is delighted.
CHARLEY
Hi. I just stopped by to…
CHARLEY
Whoa! What have we got here?
BARBARA
I'm working undercover as a hooker, and now is not a good time.
CHARLEY
Are you kidding? From where I'm standing, I couldn't have picked a better time.
BARBARA sits down next to CAROL. CHARLEY walks over to the couch.
CAROL
Go home, Charley.
CHARLEY
...I can't.
CAROL
Why not?
CHARLEY
(stiffly) Because I don't think I could move now without hurting myself.
CAROL
(to Barbara) Do you have your gun on you?
CHARLEY
My, my, aren't we testy tonight? Something wrong?
CAROL
No.
CHARLEY
Hey, something is wrong.
CAROL
No, it's not.
CHARLEY
Your eyes are red. You've been crying.
CHARLEY goes to the coffee table and picks up CAROL'S mug. He holds it to his nose and takes a cursory sniff.
CHARLEY
Cocoa.
CHARLEY
You're having another crisis, aren't you?
BARBARA
Charley, leave her alone.
CHARLEY
And that's why you're here. Carol's had another crisis and you're here to help her through it. Whoa, I'm good! (He takes a celebratory sip of the cocoa.)
CHARLEY
So what is it? What happened?
CAROL
None of your business.
CHARLEY starts to walk around the couch as he thinks out loud.
CHARLEY
Judging by the tears and the cocoa, it's got to be something big, something important. (He snaps his fingers.) Ex-husband. Gotta be the ex-husband!
BARBARA
He is good.
HARRY enters the living room, STAGE LEFT, carrying a jar of cookies.
HARRY
So, everything okay now?
CAROL
No.
HARRY
I knew it was a long shot. (He notices CHARLEY in the room.) Charley, are you helping matters?
CHARLEY
No.
HARRY
Then leave.
CHARLEY
I don't want to.
HARRY
(holds out the cookie jar) I'll give you these cookies.
CHARLEY
Okay.
CHARLEY takes the cookie jar from HARRY and exits the house, STAGE RIGHT. BARBARA gets up from the couch.
BARBARA
Well, I gotta go, too. Are you going to be okay?
HARRY
Sure, she's gonna be okay. Come on. Tell her.
CAROL
I'll be fine.
CAROL
I'm just gonna go home and get into bed…and start my new life of poverty in the morning.
HARRY
See, she's got a plan and everything!
SCENE: Veterinary Office.
HARRY and DREYFUSS wait in an exam room. DR. ROSS enters carrying DREYFUSS'S chart.
DR. ROSS
Dreyfuss seems perfectly healthy to me, Dr. Weston. There's some mild gastric distress. Nothing to worry about.
HARRY
Yeah, but his nose is warm, and he won't eat.
DR. ROSS
That's perfectly normal in these cases.
HARRY
Excuse me, you don't seem to understand, Dr. Ross. He won't play sock.
DR. ROSS
Have you tried different socks?
HARRY
Of course I have. I'm a doctor! Listen, can I talk to one of your associates? Someone older than my tie?
DR. ROSS
You wait here. I'm just gonna go take a glance at Dreyfuss's tests.
DR. ROSS exits the exam room, STAGE LEFT.
HARRY
Tests? You're gonna glance at a test? This is very casual.
HARRY goes over to DREYFUSS and stoops down to pet him.
HARRY
Oh, Dreyfuss. I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you. You are my best friend in the world, you know that? And I must love you very much, being this close to your face and you having that breath.
DR. ROSS re-enters the exam room, STAGE LEFT. He puts DREYFUSS'S scans on the nearby board.
DR. ROSS
I think we found the source of the gastric distress. And it's nothing to worry about.
HARRY
Really?
DR. ROSS
(He points to one of the scans.) You see that thing there? I can't be sure, but it looks like a piece of cloth.
HARRY slowly turns to DREYFUSS as he realizes what's happened. DREYFUSS looks just the slightest bit guilty.
HARRY
No wonder you didn't want to play sock! You ate sock! What is-?!
HARRY
Dr. Ross, I don't know how to thank you. You have been so very patient with me.
DR. ROSS
Well, I didn't do anything any other doctor wouldn't do. I mean, we all go out of our way to be understanding with people who are worried about their loved ones, don't we?
HARRY is briefly quiet, looking just the slightest bit guilty.
HARRY
Yeah, I mean, we do, but there are some doctors out there…you know what I mean?
HARRY pets DREYFUSS.
SCENE: CAROL'S CONDO, night.CAROL is sitting on her couch cutting up pictures. Someone knocks on her door and she goes to answer, finding HARRY waiting on her doorstep.
CAROL
Daddy.
HARRY
Am I interrupting anything?
CAROL
No, no. I was just going through some old photo albums, cutting Gary's head out of all the pictures.
HARRY
I can come back some other time if you're busy decapitating.
CAROL
No, come on in.
HARRY enters CAROL'S condo, STAGE LEFT. He looks at her coffee table. There are cut-up pictures strewn about the table.
CAROL
I just made some coffee. Want some?
HARRY
Um, yeah. Yes, I will. Thanks, dear.
HARRY
(He looks at one of the pictures.) You missed a head.
CAROL brings HARRY a cup of coffee and sits next to him on her couch.
CAROL
I asked my boss for a raise today. She said no, so I put too much toner in the Xerox machine.
HARRY
Thanks, baby. Listen, honey, I came over here tonight because I'm worried about you. I just want to make sure you're okay, and if you have any financial problems, I mean, I'm here for you.
CAROL
That's very sweet, Daddy.
HARRY
Thank you.
CAROL
But I can't accept any money from you.
HARRY
Why not?
CAROL
Because I love you.
HARRY
You took money from Gary.
CAROL
I hate him.
HARRY
You're a complicated woman, Carol.
HARRY cuts GARY'S head out of a picture.
HARRY
What do I do with this?
CAROL
I throw the heads in here.
CAROL takes the head from HARRY and tosses it in a little trash bin.
CAROL
I'm so sorry to be putting you through this, Daddy.
HARRY
No, come on. Don't be sorry. I'm just sorry your mother isn't here to help. She was so much better at handling these things than I am. I mean, I didn't even know about the marshmallow in the cocoa.
CAROL
What's wrong with me, anyway? Other women go through these things every day. They don't fall apart.
HARRY
You're not falling apart.
CAROL
I'm cutting heads out of photo albums, Daddy. That's not good.
CAROL
I hate Gary for doing this to me.
HARRY
So, okay, I mean, he's out of your life now forever.
CAROL
And that's supposed to make me feel better?
HARRY
Doesn't it?
CAROL
Yes! No.
CAROL
...I don't know.
HARRY
You don't know?
HARRY
Well, you know, are you sure this is about money? I mean, maybe there is something else going on here.
CAROL
The only thing going on here, Daddy, is that there is no more alimony. No more checks. No more envelopes with Gary's handwriting on them. No more excuses from Gary about why the check is late.
CAROL goes quiet.
CAROL
This isn't about money, is it?
CAROL
You're right. It's about the end of a relationship. But we had the world's worst marriage, and I hate the man. I mean, I really do hate him.
HARRY
(He refers to a picture with GARY'S crotch missing.) Obviously. Look what you cut off in this picture.
CAROL
So why is it killing me that the last thing we had together is gone? I must be crazy, right?
HARRY
Maybe a little, but, you know, we all are.
CAROL
So when does it stop hurting, Daddy? When?
HARRY
I don't know when. But I know that it will.
HARRY
You remember that red tie with the blue checks your mother gave me for my birthday?
CAROL
Of course. You used to wear it practically every day.
HARRY
Well, after your mother died, I couldn't wear that tie anymore. I tried a couple of times. Couldn't do it. I mean, it hurt so much. And then one day, I was getting dressed for work, and without even thinking I had put the tie on. And it was okay this time. In fact, it felt so good to have it back.
HARRY
I don't know what changed exactly, but I think it had something to do with time and acceptance. I don't know. This probably doesn't make any sense to you at all.
CAROL
No, it makes a lot of sense, Daddy.
CAROL
I only wish there was some way you could go through this for me.
HARRY
I wish I could too, baby. But I gotta go. (He gets up and becomes more somber.) I have to cruise Biscayne Boulevard to see which corner your sister is working.
CAROL
Daddy?
HARRY walking and turns to look at her.
CAROL
Mom couldn't have handled it any better.
CAROL
But for God's sake, next time get some marshmallows.
Pilot • The Check Isn't in The Mail • Barbara Gets a Shot • Fatal Attraction • Father of the Bride • Harry's Vacation • Tinkers to Evers to Tuscon • What's a Father to Do? • Harry's Friend • Libby's Gift • The First Time, Again • Full Nest • Here's a Howdy-Do • Strange Bedfellows • Tears of a Clown • Blame It on the Moon • Dumped • The More Things Change • Man of the Year • Cyrano de Weston • My Sister, My Friend • A Life in the Day
Season 2
Settling • Harry Snubs Laverne • On The Interpretation of Dreams • Between a Cop and a Hard Place • Just You and My Kid • Rambo of Neiman Marcus • You Are 16 Going on 17 and I Am Not • The R.N. Who Came to Dinner • Green Eggs and Harry • Overdue for a Job • A Christmas Story • A Change of Heart • Harry's Choice • Complainin' in the Rain • M.D. P.O.V. • Everything But Love • Timing • It Happened Two Nights, Four Costume Changes • Love Is Blind • Goodbye, Mr. Dietz • Lessons • Take My Mom, Please • Did You Ever See a Dream Dying? • Still Growing After All These Years
Season 3
A Flaw Is Born • Harry's Excellent Adventure • There's No Accounting • Barbara the Mom • The Tortoise and the Harry • Mad About The Boy • Honey, I Shrunk Laverne • The Boy Next Door • A Family Affair • Someone to Watch Over Me • Harry Knows Best • Whenever I Feel Afraid • A Shot in the Dark • Sucking Up Is Hard to Do • The Man That Got Away • The Mentor • The Dog Who Knew Too Much • Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? • All About Harry • Drive, He Said • The Last Temptation of Laverne • What's Eating You? • The Cruise • The Way We Are
Season 4
50 Million Men and a Baby • Almost Like Being in Love • Her Cheatin' Heart • Food for Thought • Harry's Got A Gun • The Dreyfuss Affair • Country Weston • Windy • Talk, Talk, Talk • Lonely The Brave • If You Knew Andy Like I Know... • My Nurse Is Back and There's Gonna Be Trouble... • The Son of a Preacherman • Ex-Appeal • The Great Escape • The Mismatchmaker • The Return of Aunt Susan • The Unimportance of Being Charley • Sayonara • Dr. Weston and Mr. Hyde • Charley for President • Good Neighbor Harry • Final Analysis • Roots
Season 5
Why Do Fools Fall in Love? • Take My Garage, Please • R.N. on the Rebound • ...Or Forever Hold Your Peace • The Boomerang Affair • Cruel and Unusual Punishment • It's Not Easy Being Green • Dirty Harry • Timing is Everything • Thanksgiving at the Westons • The Body Beautiful • Overboard • Emily • The Sting • The Fracas in Vegas • Pardon My Flashback • Dog Day Afternoon • More to Love • My Dad, My Doctor • Love and Marriage • The All-American Boy - Not! • Two for the Road • Aunt Verne Knows Best • My Mother, My Self • Charley to the Rescue • Surprise! Surprise!
Season 6
When The Rooster Dies • Bye-Bye Baby...Hello, Part 1 • Bye-Bye Baby...Hello, Part 2 • Mama Todd, The Sequel • Mom's the Word • Diary of a Mad Housewife • Mother Dearest • No Volunteers, Please • Das Boob • The Girl Who Cried Baby • Superbaby • Read All About It • Love a la Mode • What's A Mother to Do? • Gesundheit • Under the Gun • Brotherly Shove • The Ballad of Shady Pines • Hog Heaven • Charley's Millions • Half That Jazz • The Devil and Dr. Weston • A Foreign Affair • Lordy, Lordy, Landlordy • Absence Makes the Nurse Grow Weirder • Best Friends
Season 7
Let's Give Them Something to Talk About • Mrs. Clinton Comes to Town • Just for Laughs • The Woman Who Came to Dither • Carol Gets a Raise • The Courtship of Carol's Father • The Tinker Grant • Would You Believe... • Partly Cloudy with a Chance of Pain • Single White Male • Dear Aunt Martha • Goodbye, Charley • Family Practice • Grandma, What Big Eyes You Have • Feelings, Whoa Whoa Whoa, Feelings • And Kevin Makes Three • Harry Weston: Man's Best Friend • The Ex-Files • Stand By Your Man • Life Goes On, Part 1 • Life Goes On, Part 2 • My Pal Valy-Val • Remembrance of Clips Past
