Pilot (Empty Nest)/Transcript

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This is a transcribed copy of the Empty Nest Pilot. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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ACT 1
Speaker	Dialogue
Interior: Weston House, morning. Dr. Harry Weston comes down the stairs into his kitchen, his big dog DREYFUSS running alongside him.
HARRY	Yeah, Dreyfuss, hurry. There we go. That's my good boy. That's my Dreyfuss. (He opens the back door and motions for Dreyfuss to go outside.) All right, Dreyfuss, out!
DREYFUSS just sits at the door, unmoving.
HARRY	Dreyfuss, I know you have to go. You have not been out since last night!
DREYFUSS continues to sit there, doing nothing.
HARRY	You have an extraordinary bladder. I like that in a dog. I'd like that in me.
DREYFUSS continues to sit there, doing nothing.
HARRY	Please, Dreyf, you have to go! Go!
DREYFUSS continues to sit there.
HARRY	Fine. Don't go. See if I care.
HARRY shuts the back door and goes back into the kitchen.
HARRY	Dreyfuss. You know, for your information, some animals can get their own food. You should see what monkeys can do. They take care of their handicapped. They're like nurses with tails.
HARRY	Well, you know what I mean. Come on, we're gonna eat now, right?
HARRY fills DREYFUSS'S bowl and goes over to the other side of the kitchen, setting the bowl down for DREYFUSS.
HARRY	You gonna eat for Harry this morning? Have a little breakfast for us?
HARRY sits next to DREYFUSS. Dreyfuss doesn't move from his spot on the floor.
HARRY	Dreyfuss, what is that look?
HARRY	Libby...is dead. Which means I don't have a wife, and you don't have lamb chops. Gah, she spoiled you rotten, Dreyfuss!
The phone suddenly starts to ring. HARRY gets up and goes to answer it.
HARRY	Dr. Weston. Hi, Emily, baby. How are you? Midterms over? Ha. I bet that's a relief. So it's sunny up there in New York? (He pauses.) But Willard Scott had a big sun over New York. How could it be raining? (He pauses, listening to Emily.) Yeah, well, if Willard would spend a little less time on the date nut cake from Vermont, a little more time on the maps...
HARRY pauses, listening to EMILY talk.
HARRY	I-I don't know what you wear to the opera, dear. I've never been to the opera. Don't worry. I can find out about these things. I will ask your sisters. I will get you the latest in opera-wearing information. Okay? Love you, too, baby. Bye.
HARRY hangs up the phone.
HARRY	The opera, Dreyfuss, the opera. What do you wear to the opera if you're a nineteen-year-old girl?
DREYFUSS continues laying on the floor, staring into space.
HARRY	You never were a morning person, were you, Dreyfuss?
TIME LAPSE: Afternoon. SCENE: Community Medical Center, pediatric exam room. HARRY is seeing a little boy named ROCCO and his irritated mother. He enters the office after having kept them waiting on a test result and goes to sit down in front of the table.
HARRY	So, Rocco...you did swallow your mother's ring.
MRS. FOGAL	Sapphire ring.
HARRY	Well, don't worry, kiddo. It's not gonna hurt.
MRS. FOGAL	Him? What about me? Three carats, surrounded by diamonds.
HARRY	Now, we can get the ring, and it won't hurt.
MRS. FOGAL	When? I have a function tonight-
HARRY	(ignoring Mrs. Fogal) So Rocco, what happened? Were you playing with the ring? Were you afraid your mother would catch you-
MRS. FOGAL	(interrupting Harry, nodding smugly) Exactly.
HARRY	(irritated) Is your name Rocco?
MRS. FOGAL stares at him and shuts up. HARRY turns back to ROCCO.
HARRY	Now, listen. Your throat is fine, your insides are fine. You know what's gonna happen? It'll just come out the other end.
HARRY	In the front door... (He makes a silly suction noise.) Out the back door!
MRS. FOGAL	When exactly?
HARRY	Call Roto-Rooter, okay? Maybe they can hurry it along.
MRS. FOGAL	Well, it's just that I have this-
HARRY	(interrupting Mrs. Fogal) Function. I know. Well, your function will have to wait for his function.
HARRY	Mrs. Fogal, dear, why don't you just wait outside for a minute? (He leads Mrs. Fogal towards the door and pushes her outside.) I just want to have a little guy talk with Rocco. Bye.
HARRY shuts the door and sighs out loud. He looks at ROCCO and shakes his head.
HARRY	Your mother...is not getting a lollipop today.
ROCCO smiles a little bit. HARRY sits back down with ROCCO.
HARRY	So listen to me. Now, from now on, you only swallow food, right? Okay. You still scared? (Rocco shakes his head.) Now, listen. (He writes his phone number down on a piece of paper.) This is my home number. You can call me if you need to talk. Okay?
ROCCO	Okay.
HARRY	Good guy. Come here. That phone number...
He leans towards Rocco and speaks very seriously.
HARRY	Do not give it to your mother. It's just for us.
Nurse LAVERNE TODD enters the exam room, STAGE LEFT.
LAVERNE	Time's up in here.
HARRY	Haven't I told you to knock first?
LAVERNE	Yeah. You got twenty-five phone calls to return. The waiting room's so backed up, we're out of toys. Plus, the Play-Doh's gone hard. I'm not working through my lunch again, so you get a move on, or you'll be doing this without a nurse.
LAVERNE leads ROCCO out of the exam room, STAGE LEFT.
HARRY	You do know monkeys could be nurses.
LAVERNE	Yeah, if most of them weren't doctors.
LAVERNE and HARRY exit into the waiting room. LAVERNE goes behind the desk as HARRY approaches her.
HARRY	Laverne, what do you wear to the opera?
LAVERNE	How the hell would I know? I'm from Arkansas.
LAVERNE exits into the waiting area DOWNSTAGE. EVA BARRETT, an attractive virologist, enters from DOWNSTAGE.
EVA	Hi. Got a minute?
LAVERNE	Thirty seconds.
HARRY	I wish I could fire you.
LAVERNE	I wish I could quit!
HARRY turns back to EVA as LAVERNE goes to get another patient.
HARRY	What do you wear to the opera?
EVA	I don't go. Do we have a date tonight?
HARRY	A ba...a date?
EVA	Well, yes.
LAVERNE	(Enters from DOWNSTAGE LEFT with a little boy on her arm.) Runny nose, sore throat, slight fever.
HARRY	(starts walking away from the patient) Well, keep him away from me! I don't want to catch it!
LAVERNE leads the patient into the office.
HARRY	Eva, are you ki...are you crazy? Date? I don't date. My wife just died.
EVA	Harry, we have been having dinner together every Friday night for the past year. If that's not dating, what is it?
HARRY	Eating.
EVA	Eating. Right.
HARRY	We've just been eating. And talking. A little walking.
EVA	Right.
LAVERNE	Sounds like dating.
HARRY	My god, I feel awful. My wife just died, and I'm dating.
EVA	Libby died eighteen months ago, Harry. Look, all I want to know is are we eating together tonight?
HARRY	Of course.
EVA	Great. See you at 7:30?
HARRY	Okay.
EVA leaves. HARRY goes over to LAVERNE, still shell-shocked by the conversation.
HARRY	You believe that? She thinks we've been dating.
LAVERNE	In my town, we didn't have dating. You washed your hair every Saturday night, and when you were fourteen, you married your cousin.
HARRY stares at LAVERNE, unsure of whether to be shocked or uncomfortable. TIME LAPSE. Interior, Weston house, evening. CAROL is restocking HARRY'S fridge with groceries. HARRY comes into the kitchen, happy to see her.
HARRY	Well! This is nice.
CAROL	Your refrigerator is a disgrace, Daddy. Everything in here has a cartoon on the label. There is not one piece of fruit, nothing fresh.
HARRY	More importantly, what do you wear to the opera?
CAROL	How would I know? My ex-husband's idea of a night out was not with me. (She suddenly brightens.) You want to come to my house tonight? I'm making pasta.
HARRY	Sorry, dear, I can't. I have a date.
CAROL stops what she's doing. She turns to look at her father in shock.
CAROL	What?
HARRY	You know Eva Barrett, the virologist.
CAROL	You've been dating?
HARRY	Well, I thought I'd been eating. Who knew I was dating?
CAROL	But Mom just died.
HARRY sighs, resigned to repeat what EVA told him to try and ease his daughter's mind.
HARRY	Carol, it's been eighteen months.
CAROL	Eva Barrett is an awful woman. She was coming on to you at the funeral.
HARRY	You used to like Eva Barrett.
CAROL	Until the funeral. I saw what she did. She kissed you!
CAROL storms out of THE KITCHEN, leaving HARRY alone.
HARRY	Marty Spinetti kissed me, too! So far, we're not dating!
HARRY exits THE KITCHEN, follows CAROL into THE LIVING ROOM. CAROL begins packing things into her purse.
CAROL	You're dating.
HARRY	Come on, don't keep calling it dating. We are friends. Carol, listen. Hey, listen to me.
CAROL stops packing, looks at HARRY.
HARRY	Aside from you and your sisters, she is the only living, caring being in my life right now who doesn't drink from a toilet.
CAROL shakes her head, quiet for a moment.
CAROL	Well...as long as you're not dating. I mean, as long as you're friends.
HARRY	That's what it is. Come on.
HARRY opens his arms and takes CAROL in a hug.
HARRY	So speaking of dating, which I am not doing, how about you?
CAROL	Dating? I love it. (She sits down on the chair.) I get to do an impersonation of a perfect person. I get to act much nicer than I really am. Be fascinated at how their therapy is going now that they're finally able to cry. And throw my head back...(She throws her head back in jubilant, but obviously-fake laughter.) in laughter at their wit as I eat my blackened redfish.
CHARLEY enters through the front door.
CHARLEY	Hey, neighbor. (He sees Carol.) Darn, it's you.
CAROL	I'm out of here. (She goes to finish packing up her purse.)
CHARLEY	Hey, don't take it personally, Carol. It's just I don't like the food you bring. Your sister brings much better food. You bring all this weird health stuff.
CHARLEY walks into THE KITCHEN and opens the fridge. He's disgusted by what he sees.
CHARLEY	Look at this. Everything in here is green.
HARRY	It's good for you.
CHARLEY	I don't eat anything green, except gum. (He spits his chewing gum into one of the shopping bags as Carol walks into the kitchen.)
CAROL	You eat anything that's free.
CAROL takes the bag from the table and exits THE KITCHEN. CHARLEY follows her.
CHARLEY	You know, you got a personality problem, Carol. Maybe that's why-
CHARLEY slaps his hand over his mouth, stopping himself from finishing his sentence. CAROL stops in her tracks and stares at him.
CAROL	Maybe that's why, what?
CHARLEY	(briefly pauses) I don't want to hurt you.
CAROL	You can't hurt me.
CHARLEY	Ho-ho, please! If I said to you maybe that's why your husband left you for that adorable blonde, um...what's her name?
CAROL is quiet for a moment. The tension is palpable.
CAROL	(bitterly) Rita.
CHARLEY	Ho-ho-ho-ho, yeah! Rita! God, I never saw a body like that in my life! I wanted to pray to her! But I don't want to say that to you, and, well, I never would, 'cause I'm a decent guy.
CAROL	Bye-bye, Daddy. You have fun tonight. (She kisses HARRY goodbye and heads for the front door.) When do you sail next, Charley?
CHARLEY	Tuesday.
CAROL	Sink.
CAROL exits the house. TIME LAPSE. Exterior: Eva's home, night. EVA and HARRY are sitting out on her balcony overlooking the ocean. They have just finished their dinner and are dressed rather nicely.
HARRY	That was great. Eva, that was just great.
EVA	So, Harry, you haven't told me. How do you feel about dating?
HARRY	Well, it's the same as eating, actually, except you can't write it off.
EVA	Come on, Harry, you gotta admit it. We have a really terrific relationship here.
HARRY	We do, we do. We really do. Hoo! Boy, what a clear night. I think I can see Cuba!
HARRY gets up and goes over to the balcony. EVA follows him.
EVA	We've known each other for sixteen years. We're both widowed.
HARRY	Have you ever been to Cuba? I would love to go to Cuba. I haven't had a decent cigar since the missile crisis.
EVA	Harry, we're not twenty-five.
HARRY	(laughs)
EVA	Why don't we get married?
HARRY	Ho-ho-ho... Yes. Married.
EVA	Yes.
HARRY grows concerned when EVA doesn't share his laughter. She's very serious.
HARRY	This is our first date. This is the first time I ever brought you flowers. I mean, they're not even serious flowers like long-stem roses. There just happened to be a kid at the off ramp, you know?
EVA	Harry, we've been seeing each other for over a year, and you didn't even know we were dating. I want an answer soon.
HARRY	Well, what's soon?
EVA	Soon is by Monday.
HARRY	That's soon, all right.
EVA	Because, Harry, if the answer is no...I have to get on with my life.
HARRY stares at EVA in shock.
HARRY	Are you serious? You mean if I say no, you won't see me anymore?
EVA	I'm crazy about you. But I've got to get on with it.
HARRY	Come...Eva, now, this is...this is nuts! I mean, marriage. It's so fast. One date, a few carnations, blue ones, you know. We haven't had sex. I mean, we haven't even kissed.
EVA pulls HARRY over to her and kisses him. End of ACT 1.

Act 2

ACT 2
Speaker	Dialogue
Interior: Weston House, morning. BARBARA has laid out a box of doughnuts and some muffins on the kitchen table. HARRY comes downstairs, both happy to see Barbara and a bit angry.
HARRY	Hey, you. Where have you been? I've been calling you for two days. I was getting very worried.
BARBARA	My god, two whole days? Daddy, I was on a stakeout! (She kisses his cheek and goes to get coffee.)
HARRY	I love hearing that. My daughter's on a stakeout. I cannot tell you what a nice effect that has on my heart.
BARBARA	Relax. It's a piece of cake.
HARRY	Barbara, please, you're dealing with bad guys! Crazed men who don't care what happens to you as long as they get what they want.
BARBARA	Those are the guys I date, Daddy,
HARRY	Why are you a cop?
BARBARA	Because I like running in and out of buildings. You ask me that every time you see me.
HARRY	Because I think someday soon I might get an answer that makes some sense. You used to want to be a ballerina. I bought you toe shoes!
BARBARA	I outgrew them. I like what I do, Daddy. It's important work, and I'm very good at it.
CAROL enters the kitchen, STAGE LEFT, stopping in the doorway and looking at the spread in disgust.
CAROL	Doughnuts for a change. Why don't you just take out your gun and shoot him?
BARBARA	Makes too much noise.
HARRY	Come on, you can have one. A doughnut once in a while will not kill you. I'm a doctor.
CAROL	I can't. I just found out my talking scale has been lying to me.
BARBARA	(amused) You have a talking scale?
CAROL	It's great company. I get on it. It says, "Your weight is one-hundred and fifteen pounds. Have a good day." I mean, what man in my life is that nice to me?
CAROL	(She gets a tin of yogurt out of the fridge and sits down at the table.) So I've been having very good days thinking I weigh a hundred and fifteen pounds. But I don't. I never did. And it probably knew it the whole time.
CAROL begins to aggressively eat the yogurt, and perhaps her feelings as well.
HARRY	So how'd you find out? (He turns his head and hides his face with his coffee mug, trying to keep from laughing.) Did it...snicker when you got off?
HARRY and BARBARA try to control their laughter. CAROL stares at HARRY, as if daring him to mock her.
CAROL	I got on a silent scale. The thing is, you can't trust anything that talks.
BARBARA	First your husband, now your scale.
HARRY	Listen, girls. I have an announcement to make.
CAROL	At least I had a husband.
HARRY	Girls, listen-
BARBARA	(interrupting Harry) It was just a joke, Carol.
CAROL	Well, I'm sick of your jokes, Barbara.
HARRY	Come on, play nice, girls-
CAROL	(interrupting Harry) Especially the one when I was nine and you told me I was adopted.
HARRY	I was proposed to last night.
BARBARA	I was four! How could you believe me?
CAROL	You crossed your heart!
BARBARA	I didn't cross my heart!
CAROL looks up at HARRY as what he said finally sinks in.
CAROL	You were what?
HARRY	Proposed to. You know, like in marriage.
BARBARA	Daddy, that's great!
CAROL	Are you out of your mind?!
BARBARA	Who is it?
HARRY	Eva Barrett.
BARBARA	Eva's wonderful! That's great!
CAROL	Everything's always great with her. It's sick. The whole time we were growing up, she was that way.
BARBARA	What way?
CAROL	Perky, happy. It's disgusting. I mean, where is a little despair, a little depression, for God's sake? Read some Dostoevsky.
HARRY	Please! Please, if she is happy, leave her alone.
CAROL	I'm just trying to inject a little reality into her life, Daddy.
BARBARA	Don't talk to me about reality. I'm a cop. I deal with the scum of the earth. I see the most tragic, filthy, disgusting things in the world.
HARRY	See that?
BARBARA	I got to go. (She heads towards the back door.) I've been up all night, and I have a date.
HARRY	How can you have a date? You haven't been to bed yet.
BARBARA	I'm combining the two.
BARBARA exits through the back door, STAGE RIGHT. HARRY exclaims in disgust at the realization of what she means. He then enters the LIVING ROOM, following CAROL.
HARRY	You're upset.
CAROL	No, I'm not upset.
HARRY	Why are you upset?
CAROL	I am not upset.
HARRY	Fine. Good. No. You're not upset.
CAROL	You were never here, and you're not going to be here now.
HARRY	What do you mean I was never here?
CAROL	You weren't. There were always sick kids. My entire life, I competed with sick kids. (She aggressively prunes a nearby potted plant.) On my birthday, there were sick kids. On Parents' Day, there were sick kids. On the Halloween I was a banana, you promised you'd be there. You said, "No sick kids are gonna keep me away from my little banana." Remember?
HARRY	...not those exact words.
CAROL	I was a great banana. And I waited. And waited. And waited. And you didn't come. And you didn't see me. I was the best banana, daddy. I had a United Fruit label on the side of my head.
HARRY	Carol, it's not like I was out shooting pool and getting drunk!
CAROL	And Mom was my best friend, practically. Someone I could really talk to. And then she dies. And my husband leaves me for a slut named Rita.
HARRY is quiet, unsure of what to say.
HARRY	Well, you...you name a kid Rita, you got a damn good chance of getting a slut.
CAROL	And now you're thinking about getting married. And there's no one. There's just no one anymore. Everyone's gone. My husband...my mother...you.
CAROL	God, I miss Mom so much. I want her back so bad.
HARRY is quiet for a moment as what CAROL says sinks in.
HARRY	(somberly) The wrong parent died.
HARRY	(He sighs.) God, I wish I were dead and your mother were alive.
CAROL	No, no, no.
HARRY	Yes, yes, yes.
CAROL	No, no.
HARRY	(seriously) Yes.
CAROL	That's not what I meant. I just... I just meant...
CAROL	I don't know.
CAROL goes over to the couch and sits next to HARRY.
HARRY	I know, I know, I know.
HARRY	Just give me another chance, okay? Let me try to do better, 'cause I really want to.
CAROL	Okay.
HARRY	Because I love you very much.
CAROL	I love you, too, Daddy.
MONDAY. Interior, Community Medical Center, afternoon. EVA is in her office when HARRY enters. She perks up when she realizes it's him.
HARRY	Is there anything I can catch in here? Any really bad stuff?
EVA	Hi.
HARRY	How do you work in here? You could kill the planet with what you got going on in this place. What is this?
EVA	A new virus.
HARRY jumps away from the table, disgusted and terrified.
HARRY	I could never work in here. I hate germs!
EVA	So, Harry?
HARRY	It's a miracle I'm a doctor with the way I feel about germs.
EVA	I guess the answer is no.
HARRY	What answer?
EVA	Harry...
HARRY	No, the answer. I know...the answer. I feel like...I know how this is going to sound...crazy, probably, but...
HARRY	I feel like I'd be unfaithful to Libby.
EVA droops, let down by his answer.
EVA	Harry, it's been a while.
HARRY	It's not a function of time, Eva. It's the reflection of a relationship. When Burt Rollins's wife died, he was looking for a date that night. Three weeks later, he had a Playboy Bunny and a prostate the size of the Hindenburg.
HARRY	Libby was my world, Eva. And eighteen months is like...eighteen days. I don't know how long I'm gonna feel like this, but right now...
HARRY	She's still alive for me, and...I'm not ready to be with anyone else.
EVA	I understand.
HARRY	But I don't want to lose you as a friend.
EVA	You'll miss the meals?
HARRY	No. I'll miss you. You're not such a great cook.
EVA	Harry, as long as I keep seeing you, no one else will ever measure up, and I will wind up alone.
HARRY	So...that's it?
EVA	Yes. (She nods.) Yes.
HARRY	Eva, listen, I...
He pauses.
HARRY	I left my tennis racket in the trunk of your car. Keep it. It's, it's a big one. It's like hitting the ball with a trampoline.
HARRY	I am sorry.
HARRY	I'm gonna miss you a whole lot.
HARRY	Well...I guess I'll see you around.
EVA	Goodbye, Harry.
HARRY leaves EVA'S OFFICE. TIME LAPSE. Interior, Weston House, night. The phone rings as HARRY enters the house. DREYFUSS eagerly runs to greet him.
HARRY	Dreyfuss, come on. Answer the phone. You live here too.
HARRY picks up the phone.
HARRY	Hello? Hi, Emily, baby! I'm doing just great. I got the opera-wearing information. You ready?
HARRY	Poof dresses. The latest thing. I don't know how you sit in them, but that's what they're all wearing. The style came from France. I'm sure they don't wear them, they just invented them to torture Americans. Okay. Alright, you're welcome. I love you, too. Bye.
HARRY hangs up the phone and goes to sit on the couch, exhausted. DREYFUSS goes over to him.
HARRY	Dreyfuss. (He begins to pet Dreyfuss.) My big Dreyfuss. Dreyfuss. How are you, Dreyfuss? How are you? Hi, baby.
HARRY	You're amazing. You know that? You're glad to see me every minute of my life. I come home, you jump around and wag your tail. I go in the closet, I come out, you jump around and wag your tail. I turn my face away, I turn it back, you wag your tail. Either you love me very much or your short-term memory is shot.
HARRY	Give me a kiss! I love you, Dreyfuss. I love you!
HARRY	Come on. I'll sit with you while you eat.
HARRY gets up from the couch and goes into the kitchen as DREYFUSS follows. Roll credits.

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V - E - H List of Empty Nest transcripts
Season1	Pilot • The Check Isn't in The Mail • Barbara Gets a Shot • Fatal Attraction • Father of the Bride • Harry's Vacation • Tinkers to Evers to Tuscon • What's a Father to Do? • Harry's Friend • Libby's Gift • The First Time, Again • Full Nest • Here's a Howdy-Do • Strange Bedfellows • Tears of a Clown • Blame It on the Moon • Dumped • The More Things Change • Man of the Year • Cyrano de Weston • My Sister, My Friend • A Life in the Day
Season 2	Settling • Harry Snubs Laverne • On The Interpretation of Dreams • Between a Cop and a Hard Place • Just You and My Kid • Rambo of Neiman Marcus • You Are 16 Going on 17 and I Am Not • The R.N. Who Came to Dinner • Green Eggs and Harry • Overdue for a Job • A Christmas Story • A Change of Heart • Harry's Choice • Complainin' in the Rain • M.D. P.O.V. • Everything But Love • Timing • It Happened Two Nights, Four Costume Changes • Love Is Blind • Goodbye, Mr. Dietz • Lessons • Take My Mom, Please • Did You Ever See a Dream Dying? • Still Growing After All These Years
Season 3	A Flaw Is Born • Harry's Excellent Adventure • There's No Accounting • Barbara the Mom • The Tortoise and the Harry • Mad About The Boy • Honey, I Shrunk Laverne • The Boy Next Door • A Family Affair • Someone to Watch Over Me • Harry Knows Best • Whenever I Feel Afraid • A Shot in the Dark • Sucking Up Is Hard to Do • The Man That Got Away • The Mentor • The Dog Who Knew Too Much • Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? • All About Harry • Drive, He Said • The Last Temptation of Laverne • What's Eating You? • The Cruise • The Way We Are
Season 4	50 Million Men and a Baby • Almost Like Being in Love • Her Cheatin' Heart • Food for Thought • Harry's Got A Gun • The Dreyfuss Affair • Country Weston • Windy • Talk, Talk, Talk • Lonely The Brave • If You Knew Andy Like I Know... • My Nurse Is Back and There's Gonna Be Trouble... • The Son of a Preacherman • Ex-Appeal • The Great Escape • The Mismatchmaker • The Return of Aunt Susan • The Unimportance of Being Charley • Sayonara • Dr. Weston and Mr. Hyde • Charley for President • Good Neighbor Harry • Final Analysis • Roots
Season 5	Why Do Fools Fall in Love? • Take My Garage, Please • R.N. on the Rebound • ...Or Forever Hold Your Peace • The Boomerang Affair • Cruel and Unusual Punishment • It's Not Easy Being Green • Dirty Harry • Timing is Everything • Thanksgiving at the Westons • The Body Beautiful • Overboard • Emily • The Sting • The Fracas in Vegas • Pardon My Flashback • Dog Day Afternoon • More to Love • My Dad, My Doctor • Love and Marriage • The All-American Boy - Not! • Two for the Road • Aunt Verne Knows Best • My Mother, My Self • Charley to the Rescue • Surprise! Surprise!
Season 6	When The Rooster Dies • Bye-Bye Baby...Hello, Part 1 • Bye-Bye Baby...Hello, Part 2 • Mama Todd, The Sequel • Mom's the Word • Diary of a Mad Housewife • Mother Dearest • No Volunteers, Please • Das Boob • The Girl Who Cried Baby • Superbaby • Read All About It • Love a la Mode • What's A Mother to Do? • Gesundheit • Under the Gun • Brotherly Shove • The Ballad of Shady Pines • Hog Heaven • Charley's Millions • Half That Jazz • The Devil and Dr. Weston • A Foreign Affair • Lordy, Lordy, Landlordy • Absence Makes the Nurse Grow Weirder • Best Friends
Season 7	Let's Give Them Something to Talk About • Mrs. Clinton Comes to Town • Just for Laughs • The Woman Who Came to Dither • Carol Gets a Raise • The Courtship of Carol's Father • The Tinker Grant • Would You Believe... • Partly Cloudy with a Chance of Pain • Single White Male • Dear Aunt Martha • Goodbye, Charley • Family Practice • Grandma, What Big Eyes You Have • Feelings, Whoa Whoa Whoa, Feelings • And Kevin Makes Three • Harry Weston: Man's Best Friend • The Ex-Files • Stand By Your Man • Life Goes On, Part 1 • Life Goes On, Part 2 • My Pal Valy-Val • Remembrance of Clips Past