 |
"It's like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy." This article is incomplete. You can help the Golden Girls Wiki by expanding it. |
| This is a transcribed copy of It's a Miserable Life. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode. | |
|---|---|
| Previous: Take Him, He's Mine | Next: Isn't It Romantic |
Act 1[]
| ACT 1 | |
|---|---|
| Speaker | Dialogue |
SOPHIA is sitting on the couch, looking over a clipboard of petition signatures. DOROTHY enters, STAGE RIGHT, and greets her. | |
| DOROTHY | Hi, Ma. How'd you do? |
| SOPHIA | I got thirty-five people to sign up. |
| DOROTHY | Hey, that's great! |
| DOROTHY | Wait a minute, Ma. Three of these people are dead! |
| SOPHIA | Who are they going to tell? |
| BLANCHE | Hi! |
| DOROTHY | Hi, Blanche. |
| BLANCHE | Here you go! |
| DOROTHY | Wait, Blanche. You've been gone three hours and you only got one guy to sign this petition? |
| BLANCHE | Well, give me a chance to freshen up and change clothes. I'll get you another one! |
| ROSE | Girls, I've got some bad news! I couldn't get Mrs. Claxton to sign the petition! |
| BLANCHE | Oh, no! That tree is on her property! |
| DOROTHY | If she doesn't support the petition, the city will chop that tree down for sure! |
| ROSE | I know! It doesn't make sense! Why would she want to cut down that gorgeous two-hundred year-old oak tree? |
| SOPHIA | Because Frieda Claxton is a miserable, vile, scum-sucking crank who gives nice old ladies like me a bad name. Believe me, she's a totally rotten human being! |
| ROSE | Well, I, for one, don't think there is such a thing as a totally rotten human being. I think there's some good in everybody. |
| BLANCHE | I agree with Sophia. I think that Mrs. Claxton is a mean old woman. Everybody in the neighborhood hates her. |
| ROSE | How can you say that? |
| DOROTHY | Come on. Last Halloween, half the kids in the neighborhood wore Frieda Claxton costumes. |
| ROSE | Well, maybe she's one of those people who just needs to be shown some kindness. Like a fellow I knew back home, Ernest T. Minky. |
| BLANCHE | I'm suddenly so hungry. I think I'll get something to eat. |
| SOPHIA | Boy, that was a close call. |
| BLANCHE | If I have to listen to one more story about the colorful people from St. Olaf, I think I'm going to explode! |
| ROSE | Ernest T. Minky was St. Olaf's librarian! |
| BLANCHE | Kaboom. |
| ROSE | He was also our town's only dentist. He had his office in the library so he could do both jobs at the same time. But everyone hated Minky. He seemed to take great pleasure in giving other people pain. They hated him so much, nobody ever went to the dentist or the library. In 1938, you could tell if someone was from St Olaf. They were illiterate and they had teeth that looked like Indian corn. |
| DOROTHY | Thank you, Rose. That was a wonderful story. |
| ROSE | I'm only half done. |
| SOPHIA | I passed a kidney stone once that was less painful than this! |
| ROSE | One summer, I worked up enough nerve to check out the latest Nancy Drew mystery, and Minky was stamping my book and his tie caught in the stamping machine. He'd have choked to death if I hadn't cut his tie with my Girl Scout knife. Well, he was so overwhelmed with gratitude, he let me check my book out for a whole week! |
| BLANCHE | What's so special about that? |
| ROSE | Oh, usually, he'd only let you check a book out for an hour. Mr. Minky always said, "Books belong in a library." |
| DOROTHY | Really? I always thought Churchill said that at Yalta. |
| ROSE | The point is, some people you think are mean might just need a little kindness. |
| SOPHIA | And some people, like old lady Claxton, are just plain rotten. |
| ROSE | Well, I'm going to prove you all wrong. Now, there's only a week left before the commissioners' meeting. I'll be as nice to her as I can, and I'll bet by the time I'm through, she'll be as anxious to save that tree as we are. |
| ROSE | Hello, Mrs. Claxton. This is Rose Nylund, how are you? (pause) Well, I've never sat on one before, but don't you think that'd be painful? |
DOROTHY, BLANCHE and SOPHIA enter the waiting area with their petition. They sit down on a bench. | |
| BLANCHE | Sophia, forget it. I'm telling you, we can't do that. |
| SOPHIA | Why not? |
| DOROTHY | Because stapling a twenty-dollar bill to the petition is illegal. It's bribery. ANd don't tell us that's how you got things done in Sicily. |
| SOPHIA | That's not how we got things done in Sicily. Bribing people with money is how we got things done in New York. In Sicily, you cut off a horse's head and put it in someboail. And our noble effort to save that mighty oak will prove victorious. |
| BLANCHE | Oh, Sophia, you're making that up! |
| SOPHIA | Like hell! Our garbage commissioner, Fredo Lombardy, went on strike once. He woke up the next morning sharing a pillow with National Velvet. At 7:00 AM, he was out cleaning the street with his tongue. |
| BLANCHE | Sophia, we live in the greatest country in the world. A country founded on the principles of honesty, truth and fairness. I am certain that, once we present our petition, the democratic system will prevail, and our noble effort to save that mighty oak will prove victorious. |
| SOPHIA | You certainly sound pretty confident. |
| DOROTHY | She slept with two of the commissioners. |
| SOPHIA | That works in Sicily and in New York! |
| ROSE | Girls, I've got great news. I've just come from Mrs Claxton's and she says she wants to save the tree. |
| DOROTHY | You're kidding! |
| BLANCHE | How did you manage that? |
| ROSE | With persistence! I have gone to her house every day with homemade Danish, begging her to listen to reason. Well, she didn't want the apricot, and she didn't want the cheese, but today the prune seemed to do the trick! |
| SOPHIA | Always does for me. |
| ROSE | Anyway, after she snarfed down two of them, she said she'd save the tree. |
| SOPHIA | Speak of the devil, here's the miserable witch. |
| BLANCHE | Oh, Sophia. (She gets up to greet MRS. CLAXTON.) Well, Mrs. Claxton! How lovely to see you again! |
| MRS. CLAXTON | Who are you? |
| BLANCHE | I'm your neighbor, Blanche Devereaux. |
| MRS. CLAXTON | Oh, yeah. I didn't recognize you with your clothes on. |
| BLANCHE | I beg your pardon? |
| MRS. CLAXTON | With my binoculars, I have a terrific view in your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it. |
| BLANCHE | Why, you miserable old- |
| DOROTHY | Let's try to get along. Mrs. Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak. |
| MRS. CLAXTON | Yes, I do. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom. |
| DOROTHY | Why, you miserable old- |
- Dorothy.
Mrs Claxton, we want you to know we all appreciate you helping us to save the tree.
I'm not.
I'm here to make sure they tear it down.
I hate trees.
And people.
Rose told us you said you would help us.
- That's right.
- Now you're not?
- Why did you lie?
- To get the Danish.
Look, there's nothing I hate more than someone who thinks everyone who lives alone wants company and a few kind words.
I live alone because I like it.
I've no use for people.
Never have.
See you inside.
- Where are you going?
- To throw holy water on her.
If her head spins around, we're in big trouble.
It is the consensus of the committee that the promoters' petition for the outdoor concert be denied.
Next on the agenda is the proposal to widen Richmond Street.
Will the representative of those wanting to block this step forward?
- Wish me luck.
- Wait.
Why should you do it?
Because we'll have a better chance.
I happen to be a wonderful orator.
Two of the commissioners can verify that.
Blanche, "orator" means "speaker".
Really?
Somebody else do the talking.
- Ladies, we're waiting.
- Let me save everyone time.
My name is Frieda Claxton.
The tree is on my property and I don't care if the city wants to cut it down.
people live on that block and they've all signed to save the tree.
Concrete's cleaner.
- They'll get used to it.
- Mrs Claxton, please.
I have pictures of it to show you.
You wanna look at pictures?
I've got pictures.
Of her roommate, the human slinky.
Shut up, Claxton.
Were there any other faces recognisable in those pictures?
You shut up too, Ed.
Stop wasting the taxpayers' money.
Yank out that tree and start pouring cement.
Rose: Mrs. Claxton, think about what you're doing! That beautiful old tree 200 years old. How can you hate a living thing?
Mrs. Claxton: I hate you.
Rose: That's it! I have had all I'm gonna take from you! Now if you don't have the common decency to treat people like human beings, well then I'm sure as hell not gonna waste my time kissing your fanny! Now if you don't like it, Mrs. Claxton, you just sit there and shut up while we have our say! And if you don't like it, just drop dead! Go on, Dorothy.
As Rose goes to return to her seat, Mrs. Claxton keels over and falls to the floor.
Dorothy: What happened?
Sophia: You know when you told her to drop dead?
Rose: Yes.
Sophia: I think she did!
Act 2[]
| ACT 2 | |
|---|---|
| Speaker | Dialogue |
| TBA | To be added. |
Mr. Pfeiffer: Isn't that lovely? The three of you planning ahead for mother.
Sophia: Hey, uh, Pfeiffer, how would you like a punch in your p-face?
Dorothy: Uh, look, Mr. Pfeiffer, about the p-funeral - about the funeral arrangements...
Mr. Pfeiffer: How did she (Frieda Claxton) pass on?
Sophia: (gestures toward Rose) She killed her.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Rough neighborhood.
(At the funeral)
Woman at the funeral: Yes. Celia Rubenstein loved all mankind. She was-
Dorothy: WHO?!
Woman at the funeral: Celia Rubenstein.
Blanche: This funeral isn't for Celia Rubenstein, it's for Frieda Claxton.
Mr. Pfeiffer: The Rubenstein funeral is down the hall.
Woman at the funeral: I'm so sorry for the intrusion. Frieda Claxton... wasn't she the one who owned that old house on Richmond Street?
Rose: Yes.
The lady turns around and kicks the casket, then promptly leaves the room.
[]
| V - E - H List of The Golden Girls transcripts | |
|---|---|
| Season 1 | The Engagement • Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding • Rose the Prude • Transplant • The Triangle • On Golden Girls • The Competition • Break-In • Blanche and the Younger Man • The Heart Attack • The Return of Dorothy's Ex • The Custody Battle • A Little Romance • That Was No Lady • In a Bed of Rose's • The Truth Will Out • Nice and Easy • The Operation • Second Motherhood • Adult Education • The Flu • Job Hunting • Blind Ambitions • Big Daddy • The Way We Met |
| Season 2 | End of the Curse • Ladies of the Evening • Take Him, He's Mine • It's a MIserable Life • Isn't It Romantic • Big Daddy's Little Lady • Family Affair • Vacation • Joust Between Friends • Love, Rose • 'Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas • The Sisters • The Stan who Came to Dinner • The Actor • Before and After • And Then There Was One • Bedtime Story • Forgive Me Father • Long Day's Journey into Marinara • Whose Face is This, Anyway? • Dorothy's Prized Pupil • Diamond in the Rough • Son-in-Law Dearest • To Catch a Neighbor • A Piece of Cake • Empty Nests |
| Season 3 | Old Friends • One for the Money • Bringing Up Baby • The Housekeeper • Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself • Letters to Gorbachev • Strange Bedfellows • Brotherly Love • A Visit from Little Sven • The Audit • Three on a Couch • Charlie's Buddy • The Artist • Blanche's Little Girl • Dorothy's New Friend • Grab That Dough • My Brother, My Father • Golden Moments, Part I • Golden Moments, Part 2 • And Ma Makes Three • Larceny and Old Lace • Rose's Big Adventure • Mixed Blessings • Mister Terrific • Mother's Day |
| Season 4 | Yes, We Have No Havanas • The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo • The One That Got Away • Yokel YHero • Bang the Drum, Stanley • Sophia's Wedding, Part 1 • Sophia's Wedding, Part 2 • Brother, Can You Spare That Jacket • Scared Straight • Stan Takes A Wife • The Auction • Blind Date • The Impotence of Being Ernest • Love Me Tender • Valentine's Day • Two Rode Together • You Gotta Have Hope • Fiddler on the Ropes • Till Death Do We Volley • High Anxiety • Little Sister • Sophia's Choice • Rites of Spring • Foreign Exchange • We're Outta Here, Part 1 • We're Outta Here, Part 1 |
| Season 5 | Sick and Tired, Part 1 • Sick and Tired, Part 2 The Accurate Conception • Rose Fights Back • Love Under the Big Top • Dancing in the Dark • Not Another Monday • That Old Feeling • Comedy of Errors • All That Jazz • Ebb Tide • Have Yourself A Very Little Christmas • Blind Date • Mary Has A Little Lamb • Triple Play • CLinton Avenue Memoirs • Like the Beep Beep Beep of the Tom-Tom • An Illegitimate Concer • 72 HOurs • Twice In A Lifetime • Sisters and Other Strangers • Cheaters • The Mangiacavallo Curse Makes a Lousy Wedding Present • All Bets Are Off • The President's Coming! The President's Coming!, Part 1 • The President's Coming! The President's Coming!, Part 2 |
| Season 6 | Blanche Delivers • Once, In St. Olaf • If At Last You Do Succeed • Snap Out Of It • Wham, Bam, Thank You Mammy • Feelings • Zborn Again • How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sophia? • Mrs. George Devereaux • Girls Just Wanna Have Fun... Before They Die • Stand By Your Man • Ebbtide's Revenge • The Bloom Is Off the Rose • Sisters of the Bride • Miles to Go • There Goes the Bride, Part 1 • There Goes the Bride, Part 2 • Older and Wiser • Melodrama • Even Grandmas Get the Blues • Witness • What A Difference A Date Makes • Love for Sale • Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Retirement Home, Part 1 • Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Retirement Home, Part 2 • Henny Penny — Straight, No Chaser |
| Season 7 | Hey, Look Me Over • The Case of the Libertine Belle • Beauty and the Beast • That's For Me to Know • Where's Charlie? • Mother Load • Dateline: Miami • The Monkey Show, Part 1 • The Monkey Show: Part 2 • Ro$e Love$ Mile$ • Room Seven • From Here to the Pharmacy • The Pope's Ring • Old Boyfriends • Goodbye, Mr. Gordon • The Commitments • Questions and Answers • Ebbtide VI: The Wrath of Stan • Journey to the Center of Attention • A Midwinter Night's Dream, Part 1 • A Midwinter Night's Dream, Part 2 • Rose: Portrait of a Woman • Home Again, Rose, Part 1 • Home Again, Rose, Part 2 • One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest, Part 1 • One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest, Part 2 |