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"It's like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy." This article is incomplete. You can help the Golden Girls Wiki by expanding it. |
| This is a transcribed copy of Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode. | |
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| Previous: The Engagement | Next: Rose the Prude |
Act 1[]
| ACT 1 | |
|---|---|
| Speaker | Dialogue |
DOROTHY is pacing around in the living room, anxiously checking out the front door. BLANCHE is sitting in the chair reading a magazine. | |
| DOROTHY | Oh, great. Great, wonderful! My daughter is lost! I'm just terrible at giving directions. |
| BLANCHE | Dorothy, I gave Kate the directions over the phone. |
| DOROTHY | And who are you, Rand McNally? You couldn't make a mistake? |
| ROSE | Shall I set this down someplace? |
| DOROTHY | (sarcastically) No, Rose. (She points at the front door.) Go to the corner and open a stand. |
| BLANCHE | Dorothy... |
| DOROTHY | I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just that I'm so anxious about meeting this guy that Kate's bringing. |
| ROSE | Do you think it's serious? |
| DOROTHY | Well, they've been together now for six months. That's the longest she's been interested in any man since Paul McCartney. |
| ROSE | (incredulously) Kate dated Paul McCartney? |
| DOROTHY | Yes, Rose. They wanted to get engaged, but I insisted that she finish grade school. |
| BLANCHE | Well, now, Dorothy, do you know anything about this boy's family background? |
| DOROTHY | All I know is that he's a doctor. |
| BLANCHE | A doctor?! Well, the heck with his background! Do you have any idea how much a doctor makes these days? |
| DOROTHY | No, I really don't care what he does for a living. I mean, the important thing is that he and Kate have a good relationship. |
| DOROTHY | 'Course if they happen to get married, I will shout from every rooftop in Miami, "My son-in-law's a doctor!" |
| DOROTHY | Oh, look, everybody! Look who's here! |
| BLANCHE | You look glorious! |
| DOROTHY | So, where is he? Where's your doctor? |
| KATE | Dennis is at a seminar. I'll bring him by tomorrow. |
| SOPHIA | I can't find my culottes! |
| KATE | Grandma, you look sensational! |
| SOPHIA | Relax, relax! you're already in the will! |
| KATE | Before anyone does anything, I have a big announcement to make. |
| KATE | As my mother has undoubtedly already told you and the rest of Miami, for the past six months, I've been seeing a doctor named Dennis. |
| SOPHIA | That's your big announcement? You call your doctor by his first name? |
| DOROTHY | Ma, Ma, he's her boyfriend. He just happens to be a doctor, okay? |
| SOPHIA | Fine! What's the point? |
| KATE | The day after tomorrow, Dennis and I are flying to the Bahamas, and we're getting married. |
| ROSE | Oh, that's terrific! |
| BLANCHE | Oh! That's so exciting! |
| DOROTHY | Oh, I can't, I can't believe it! Oh, I am so happy! My daughter is marrying a doctor! |
| DOROTHY | ...In the Bahamas. |
| DOROTHY | You are getting married in the Bahamas? |
| SOPHIA | This is fabulous! I always wanted to go to the Bahamas! Now where the hell are my culottes? |
| DOROTHY | Oh, Kate, Kate, honey, I have always dreamed of giving you a wedding ever since I had your overbite fixed. |
| KATE | Mom, don't you think it would be awkward, with you and Dad not talking? |
| DOROTHY | Now just a minute! I am not the one who ran off to Maui with someone half my age and twice my bra size! |
| KATE | You see what I mean? That's why we're getting married in the Bahamas. |
| DOROTHY | You are not getting married on an island by a priest wearing clam diggers and a Harry Belafonte shirt! You'll get married right here in Miami. |
| BLANCHE | Kate, I could put together a lovely reception here at the house. |
| ROSE | And I could take care of the catering! |
| KATE | Well, I have always dreamed of wearing a long, white gown and marching down the aisle on my father's arm. |
| DOROTHY | ...who said anything about inviting your father? |
| KATE | (sighs) It wouldn't be much of a wedding without both of my parents there. |
| DOROTHY | Even if we got live doves? |
| KATE | (rolls her eyes) Mother. |
| DOROTHY | Oh, all right, honey. Your wedding day should be the most beautiful day of your life. And if you want to invite your father, I'm willing to keep the peace. |
| KATE | Promise? |
| DOROTHY | Promise. Then it's settled. Now call your father and tell the dirtbag he can come. |
| KATE | Forget it, Mom. I can just as easily limbo down the aisle. |
| DOROTHY | Oh, relax, honey. I just want to get it all out of my system before he gets here. Now go ahead, call him. |
| KATE | I'll call him. You talk to him. |
| DOROTHY | All right. If I can get through an entire wedding with him, I should be able to handle a simple phone conversation (She takes the phone from Kate, covering the receiver as she growls) with that yellow-bellied sleazeball! |
| DOROTHY | Hello, Stan? Dorothy! Dorothy Zbornak. The one who gave you the best years of her thighs? |
| DOROTHY | Yes, I'm fine, fine... (pause) Yeah, it has been a long time. Yeah, well, you know, after two years, I figured you weren't coming back. |
| DOROTHY | I'll tell you the reason I'm calling you; Kate is getting married-! (pauses) Yes, married! (pauses) Yes, yes, in a few days, and I'm giving her a little wedding here in Miami and I wanted to invite you. Can you come? (pauses) You can? Great! |
| DOROTHY | Oh...Chrissy can't. (pauses) Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry. (pauses) Oh, really? (pauses, a look of morbid curiosity on her face.) No, I...didn't know that could happen from a tanning machine. |
| DOROTHY | Oh, she'll be thrilled to see you too! She's standing right here. Hold on. |
| BLANCHE | Dorothy, you were magnificent! |
| ROSE | You certainly were! How did you do it? |
| DOROTHY | I just kept telling myself that once he was here, he'd be close enough to kIll. |
| DOROTHY | I can't believe Stan has the nerve to show his face at this wedding! |
| SOPHIA | The man has a right to see his daughter get married! |
| DOROTHY | I never should've called him. |
| SOPHIA | You never should've married him! |
| BLANCHE | Hi, hi, hi! |
| DOROTHY | Oh, hi, Blanche. |
| BLANCHE | Oh, are my little wedding elves still busy packing their tiny bundles? |
| DOROTHY | Wedding...elves. |
| SOPHIA | It's that cheap hair dye she uses. It finally ate through! |
| DOROTHY | No, we're doing fine, Blanche. |
| BLANCHE | Oh, no, Sophia, honey! You're using too much rice! |
| SOPHIA | Fine! This elf quits! (She gets up from the table.) |
| SOPHIA | I never understood why people throw rice at weddings anyway. |
| DOROTHY | Because tomatoes leave stains. |
| ROSE | Could I talk to you two ladies in the living room, please? |
| ROSE | I have some very distressing news. Sophia's been pilfering cheese balls. |
| DOROTHY | ...what? |
| ROSE | This morning, I made forty-eight cheese balls. There are now twenty-six. |
| SOPHIA | (comes in from the kitchen, holding two more cheese balls.) Twenty-four! (She eats a cheese ball.) |
| KATE | Hi, Mom! Mom, this is... |
| DOROTHY | Don't tell me! Don't tell me! It's Dennis! Oh, my God, he's beautiful! |
| DENNIS | (hands Dorothy the bouquet) It's a pleasure to meet you. |
| DOROTHY | Oh, flowers! Oh, my! (She accepts the bouquet.) You know, your father used to bring me tulips every time we had a fight. Toward the end, our place looked like Easter in Rotterdam. |
| KATE | It's good to see that you're not bitter. |
| DOROTHY | Everybody, I'd like you to meet my future son-in-law. This is Dennis, the gorgeous doctor! Dennis, I'd like you to meet my best friends. This is Rose. |
| DENNIS | (shakes Rose's hand) Hello, Rose. |
| DOROTHY | That's Blanche. |
| BLANCHE | How do you do? |
| DOROTHY | And that's Sophia. That's Kate's grandma. |
| DENNIS goes over to shake SOPHIA'S hand. | |
| SOPHIA | You got your stethoscope? I wouldn't mind a freebie! |
| KATE | Grandma, Dennis doesn't have a stethoscope. |
| DOROTHY | Of course not. He's on vacation! |
| KATE | No, that's not what I mean. Dennis is a podiatrist. |
| DOROTHY has a brief moment of realization. | |
| DOROTHY | Oh. Oh, a foot doctor! |
| DOROTHY | Ah, why don't we all sit down. (She shoos Blanche and Rose from trying to sit on the couch with Dennis.) Not there, not there. |
| BLANCHE | Oh! Well, a podiatrist. Well, that's a very fascinating profession. Tell me, Dennis, approximately how many feet do you see in a week? |
| DENNIS | Well, between my partners and me, we see quite a few. |
| BLANCHE | Oh, it's a partnership! |
| ROSE | Have you ever met Dr. Scholl? |
| SOPHIA | Let's get to the point! Dennis, what do you take home a week? |
| DOROTHY | Ma! |
| DENNIS | It's all right, I understand. Sophia, I am crazy about Kate and I promise you she will never want for anything. |
| DOROTHY | Oh! |
| KATE | I told you he was special. Do you think Dad'll like him? |
| DOROTHY | Of course! As long as he stays young and firm. |
| DOROTHY | (hugs Dennis) Oh, Dennis, it's going to be a pleasure welcoming you into our little family! And I just hope that you and Kate have all the happiness in the world! |
| SOPHIA | Me too. And maybe one of your children will be a real doctor! |
The house is decorated for KATE and DENNIS'S reception. DOROTHY goes to answer the doorbell, finding her ex-husband STANLEY on the front porch. | |
| STANLEY | Hi, it was really- |
| STANLEY | Dorothy, it's me, Stan. Didn't you recognize me? |
| DOROTHY | Of course I recognized you. That's why I slammed the door in your face. |
| STANLEY | (laughs) Still the jokester, huh? |
| STANLEY enters the living room. | |
| DOROTHY | Yes. And speaking of jokes, Stan, that is some toupee you've got. |
| DOROTHY | Oh, Rose I'd like you to meet my ex-husband, Stan Zbornak. |
| ROSE | (shakes Stanley's hand) Hello. |
| DOROTHY | (referring to Stanley's toupee) And this is his hair. |
| ROSE | (pauses briefly) It's a pleasure to meet you both. |
| SOPHIA | Hello. Who invited Donny Osmond? |
| DOROTHY | Ma, this is Stan. |
| STANLEY | Hello, Sophia. It's the hair. It makes me look different. |
| SOPHIA | It makes you look stupid. |
| BLANCHE | Oh, hello there. |
| DOROTHY | Stan, I'd like you to meet my friend Blanche. |
| BLANCHE | Charmed. |
| KATE | Daddy? |
| STANLEY | Oh, hello, princess! (He kisses her.) Oh, you look absolutely beautiful! |
| KATE | I'm so glad you're here! Thank you so much for coming! |
| STANLEY | Don't thank me. (He turns to Dorothy, whose hands are being held by Blanche and Rose for support.) Thank your mother. There aren't too many women around who could swallow their pride after what went down between us. |
| STANLEY | You're awesome, babe. Absolutely awesome. |
| STANLEY | We better get to the church! Don't you think so? |
| KATE | Uh...Grandma, why don't you come with me and Daddy? |
| STANLEY | Come on, Sophia. It'll be fun. We can catch up with old times. |
| SOPHIA | No, we can't. I had a stroke. Luckily, my memories of you were wiped out! |
| KATE, SOPHIA, and STANLEY say their goodbyes and exit the house. ROSE and BLANCHE turn their attention to the livid DOROTHY. | |
| BLANCHE | Dorothy, are you all right? |
| ROSE | Oh, she's a trouper. She'll be fine. Won't you, Dorothy? |
| DOROTHY | (irate) Not until I taste his blood! |
| ROSE | Now, you don't mean that. I want you to take a deep breath and think pleasant thoughts. Come on, now. One, two, three. |
| DOROTHY | I am not going! (She sits down on the couch.) |
| BLANCHE | Dorothy! Your daughter's getting married |
| DOROTHY | I can't! I can not be in the same room with him! I know I'll do something crazy and just ruin the whole wedding! |
| ROSE | Blanche and I'll be right beside you. Nothing can happen! |
| DOROTHY | I cannot do it! |
| BLANCHE | (shouting) All right! I've heard enough! We are talking about your daughter's wedding, Dorothy Zbornak! Now you get on your feet, get out that door! March! |
| DOROTHY | Oh, all right. All right, I'm going. (She makes her way towards the front door.) |
| DOROTHY | But if anything awful happens, it's on your heads! |
| DOROTHY exits through the front door. BLANCHE and ROSE follow, watching her from the porch. | |
| ROSE | Oh, she's really upset. We better keep an eye on her. |
| BLANCHE | You're right. We better stick to her like a tight shirt on a sweaty farmhand! |
| BLANCHE | You know the type, with the big biceps and the hairy chest, just...glistening in the hot sun... |
| BLANCHE | I'm sorry, what were we talking about? |
| ROSE | Dorothy. |
| BLANCHE | Oh, Dorothy! Oh, that's right! |
| BLANCHE and ROSE run off the front porch. End of Act 1. | |
Act 2[]
| ACT 2 | |
|---|---|
| Speaker | Dialogue |
KATE and DENNIS'S wedding reception is in full swing. The house is filled with guests, family and friends alike. DOROTHY is with KATE, DENNIS, and STANLEY, reminiscing about KATE'S childhood years. | |
| DOROTHY | I'm not saying this because she is my daughter, but she was the best Abraham Lincoln the third grade ever saw. No, when she freed the second grade, there was not a dry eye in the house. |
| DENNIS | Somehow I just can't picture Kate as Abraham Lincoln. |
| DOROTHY | Oh, Stan, do me a favor? Take off your hair and hold it up to Kate's chin. |
Blanche: Rose, where's Dorothy?
Rose: I don't know. She was here a minute ago, I...
She spots Dorothy with a knife approaching the wedding cake which Stan happens to be standing by.
Rose: Oh, my God!
She hustles Dorothy into the kitchen.
Rose: Give me that knife!
Dorothy: What are you doing?
Rose: (snatching the knife): I can't let you go through with this! Do you want to spend the rest of your life rotting away in some disgusting jail cell, bribing screws for cigarettes and toilet paper?
Dorothy: Rose, in Miami it is not a felony to cut the wedding cake.
Rose: Cut the... wed, Oh, I thought you were gonna stab Stan.
Dorothy: Don't be ridiculous! Do you honestly believe that I would stab Stan at my own daughters wedding?
Rose: (handing the knife back to Dorothy) No, I guess not.
Dorothy: Well of course not. I would wait until after the wedding. There are too many witnesses.
She holds up the knife as if she's about to stab someone.
Rose: NO!
Dorothy: Kidding.
Rose: Oh, don't do that to me.
(Outside, Dorothy confronts Stan after all the years they spend together.).
Dorothy Have a seat.
Stan: What can I do for you? (He sits down).
Dorothy: Well, the first thing to do is start by taking this ridiculous toupee off your head. I want to speak to the man who left me! (Dorothy yanks off Stan's hairpiece.).
Stan: Ow! What's the matter with you?
Dorothy: You walked out on me, Stanley Zbornak!
Stan: Now I know why.
Dorothy: You walked out on me and you didn't even have the decency to tell me you were leaving. I heard it from some lawyer over the telephone. A stranger, Stanley. A total stranger told me that my marriage was over.
Stan: Dorothy, look, things happened.
Dorothy: Things happened? You're damn right things happened. Thirty-eight years happened. Thirty-eight years of sharing and crying and dreaming and fighting and loving and children and diapers and...school plays and little league and worrying if you'd get through your gallbladder surgery and wondering if I'd get through another Sunday dinner at your mother's house. And the lean years when the business failed, and the good years and the happy Christmases. All those things happened Stanley and because they did I deserved better than a stinking phone call from my husband's legal representative. You had a choice Stanley and you took the easy way out and it was a rotten thing to do! But now you're here in front of me and you can't run away. And I finally get to have what you tried to cheat me out of. I finally get to say Goodbye, Stanley.
Stan: Look, Dorothy we...
Dorothy: I said Goodbye, Stanley.
[]
| V - E - H List of The Golden Girls transcripts | |
|---|---|
| Season 1 | The Engagement • Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding • Rose the Prude • Transplant • The Triangle • On Golden Girls • The Competition • Break-In • Blanche and the Younger Man • The Heart Attack • The Return of Dorothy's Ex • The Custody Battle • A Little Romance • That Was No Lady • In a Bed of Rose's • The Truth Will Out • Nice and Easy • The Operation • Second Motherhood • Adult Education • The Flu • Job Hunting • Blind Ambitions • Big Daddy • The Way We Met |
| Season 2 | End of the Curse • Ladies of the Evening • Take Him, He's Mine • It's a MIserable Life • Isn't It Romantic • Big Daddy's Little Lady • Family Affair • Vacation • Joust Between Friends • Love, Rose • 'Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas • The Sisters • The Stan who Came to Dinner • The Actor • Before and After • And Then There Was One • Bedtime Story • Forgive Me Father • Long Day's Journey into Marinara • Whose Face is This, Anyway? • Dorothy's Prized Pupil • Diamond in the Rough • Son-in-Law Dearest • To Catch a Neighbor • A Piece of Cake • Empty Nests |
| Season 3 | Old Friends • One for the Money • Bringing Up Baby • The Housekeeper • Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself • Letters to Gorbachev • Strange Bedfellows • Brotherly Love • A Visit from Little Sven • The Audit • Three on a Couch • Charlie's Buddy • The Artist • Blanche's Little Girl • Dorothy's New Friend • Grab That Dough • My Brother, My Father • Golden Moments, Part I • Golden Moments, Part 2 • And Ma Makes Three • Larceny and Old Lace • Rose's Big Adventure • Mixed Blessings • Mister Terrific • Mother's Day |
| Season 4 | Yes, We Have No Havanas • The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo • The One That Got Away • Yokel YHero • Bang the Drum, Stanley • Sophia's Wedding, Part 1 • Sophia's Wedding, Part 2 • Brother, Can You Spare That Jacket • Scared Straight • Stan Takes A Wife • The Auction • Blind Date • The Impotence of Being Ernest • Love Me Tender • Valentine's Day • Two Rode Together • You Gotta Have Hope • Fiddler on the Ropes • Till Death Do We Volley • High Anxiety • Little Sister • Sophia's Choice • Rites of Spring • Foreign Exchange • We're Outta Here, Part 1 • We're Outta Here, Part 1 |
| Season 5 | Sick and Tired, Part 1 • Sick and Tired, Part 2 The Accurate Conception • Rose Fights Back • Love Under the Big Top • Dancing in the Dark • Not Another Monday • That Old Feeling • Comedy of Errors • All That Jazz • Ebb Tide • Have Yourself A Very Little Christmas • Blind Date • Mary Has A Little Lamb • Triple Play • CLinton Avenue Memoirs • Like the Beep Beep Beep of the Tom-Tom • An Illegitimate Concer • 72 HOurs • Twice In A Lifetime • Sisters and Other Strangers • Cheaters • The Mangiacavallo Curse Makes a Lousy Wedding Present • All Bets Are Off • The President's Coming! The President's Coming!, Part 1 • The President's Coming! The President's Coming!, Part 2 |
| Season 6 | Blanche Delivers • Once, In St. Olaf • If At Last You Do Succeed • Snap Out Of It • Wham, Bam, Thank You Mammy • Feelings • Zborn Again • How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sophia? • Mrs. George Devereaux • Girls Just Wanna Have Fun... Before They Die • Stand By Your Man • Ebbtide's Revenge • The Bloom Is Off the Rose • Sisters of the Bride • Miles to Go • There Goes the Bride, Part 1 • There Goes the Bride, Part 2 • Older and Wiser • Melodrama • Even Grandmas Get the Blues • Witness • What A Difference A Date Makes • Love for Sale • Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Retirement Home, Part 1 • Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Retirement Home, Part 2 • Henny Penny — Straight, No Chaser |
| Season 7 | Hey, Look Me Over • The Case of the Libertine Belle • Beauty and the Beast • That's For Me to Know • Where's Charlie? • Mother Load • Dateline: Miami • The Monkey Show, Part 1 • The Monkey Show: Part 2 • Ro$e Love$ Mile$ • Room Seven • From Here to the Pharmacy • The Pope's Ring • Old Boyfriends • Goodbye, Mr. Gordon • The Commitments • Questions and Answers • Ebbtide VI: The Wrath of Stan • Journey to the Center of Attention • A Midwinter Night's Dream, Part 1 • A Midwinter Night's Dream, Part 2 • Rose: Portrait of a Woman • Home Again, Rose, Part 1 • Home Again, Rose, Part 2 • One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest, Part 1 • One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest, Part 2 |