| ACT 1
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| Speaker
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Dialogue
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| Interior: 6151 Richmond Street, living room. SOPHIA exits the kitchen carrying plates of food.and is caught sneaking by DOROTHY.
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| DOROTHY
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Ma, where are you going with all that food?
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| SOPHIA
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I'm stashing it away from Rose's mother. She's on a special diet. I hate those people. You turn your back for a second, boom boom, your food is gone. Anything on your plate is suddenly on their diet.
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| DOROTHY
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Oh, come on, Ma. You haven't even met Rose's mother.
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| DOROTHY takes the plates from SOPHIA and takes them back into the kitchen. SOPHIA follows her.
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| SOPHIA
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I know a lot of old people. They're all the same. They're cranky, they're demanding, they repeat themselves, they're cranky, they're demanding...
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| DOROTHY
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Ma, what makes you think she's old? She's the same age as you.
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| SOPHIA
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So how come Rose ordered her a wheelchair at the airport, a special meal on the plane, and put an oxygen tank in the garage?
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| DOROTHY
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Maybe she's a disabled welder on a special diet. Ma, I want you to be nice to her. Maybe you can even show her some of the sights.
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| The front door opens off-screen.
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| DOROTHY
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That must be them.
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| DOROTHY and SOPHIA go into the living room. BLANCHE has come back from her Jazzercise class, having been driven home by her attractive instructor DIRK.
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| BLANCHE
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Well, thanks again for the ride home, Dirk. I'll see you at Tuesday's Jazzercise class?
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| DIRK
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I'll see you then.
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| BLANCHE
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Okay.
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| BLANCHE prepares to close the door, but DIRK stops her.
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| DIRK
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Unless I see you before then. If you wouldn't mind, maybe we could go out.
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| BLANCHE
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Why, Dirk, did I just hear you ask me for a date?
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| SOPHIA
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Are you deaf? I heard him from here.
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| DIRK
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You think maybe we could have dinner Saturday night?
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| BLANCHE
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Why don't I just check my datebook and I'll let you know.
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| DIRK
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You think maybe we could have dinner Saturday night?
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| BLANCHE
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Okay.
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| BLANCHE and DIRK say goodbye, BLANCHE shuts the door and turns to DOROTHY and SOPHIA, pleasantly surprised. She goes to sit on the couch next to DOROTHY.
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| BLANCHE
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Well, isn't this an interesting turn of events? Gosh, I just don't know what I'm gonna do. You know, he is a little bit younger than I am.
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| DOROTHY refuses to comment. ROSE enters with her mother, ALMA.
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| ROSE
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Watch your step, Mother. That's a girl!
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| ALMA
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(laughs) Oh, Rosie. I haven't been a girl since 1912.
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| ROSE leads ALMA into the living room.
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| ROSE
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Why, look who's here! I want you all to meet my mother, Mrs. Lindstrom. (Rose speaks loudly, pointing to each of the ladies.) This is Blanche and this is Dorothy and Sophia.
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| DOROTHY goes over to ALMA and shakes her hand.
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| DOROTHY
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(loudly) Very nice to meet you. Tell me, how was your trip?
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| ALMA
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(loudly) It was just fine!
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| ALMA
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(turns to ROSE, speaks at normal volume) Which one of them is hard of hearing?
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| ROSE
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No one is, Mother. We just didn't want you to have to strain to hear us.
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| ALMA
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But there's nothing wrong with my ears!
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| ROSE
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Of course there isn't. (She leads Alma to a chair and sits her down.) Now, you sit right down here and I'll fix you a little snack.
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| BLANCHE
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How long will you be visiting with us, Mrs. Lindstrom?
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| ROSE
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Only a week. Then she's off to Houston to see my brother.
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| SOPHIA
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Is your name Mrs. Lindstrom?
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| BLANCHE
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How would you like a little tour of our home while Rose is fixing that snack?
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| ROSE
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I don't think this is a good time for that. Mother's had a big day and I don't want her to get overtired.
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| DOROTHY
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Well, she can skip the east wing, Rose.
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| ROSE
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Well, maybe tomorrow. Now come on, why don't you take a nap while I fix you something to eat?
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| ALMA
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Rosie, I'm not a child. I don't need a nap.
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| ROSE
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There's nothing wrong with taking a nap. her. Come on, honey. Let's get you unpacked. Right down there.
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| ROSE escorts ALMA down the hall to ROSE'S bedroom.
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| DOROTHY
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Seems like a very nice lady.
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| SOPHIA
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Yeah. Too bad Rose won't get off her back.
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| BLANCHE
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You know, I think I can handle this relationship with Dirk. I'm going out with him Saturday night.
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| DOROTHY
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Was there ever any doubt?
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| BLANCHE
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Momentarily. This is strictly off the record, but...Dirk's nearly five years younger than I am.
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| DOROTHY
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In what, Blanche, dog years?
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| BLANCHE
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However, I have decided to overlook that minor detail and succumb to the Vesuvius of passion that is about to erupt from me.
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| SOPHIA
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Stand back. We're gonna get something on us.
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| BLANCHE
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I am talking about what's happening between Dirk and me. It's something really special, something fragile and rare. I've only felt this once before.
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| As BLANCHE tells her story, DOROTHY and SOPHIA are shown struggling to stay awake.
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| BLANCHE
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It was during my seventeenth summer and I was working behind the cosmetics counter at the Rexall drugstore. I was stocking the Maybelline display when I heard this booming voice say, "Excuse me, ma'am. Where are the cuticle scissors?" I turned around and there he was. Our eyes locked, and for one brief moment, there was nobody else on Earth but the two of us.
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| DOROTHY
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Please, Blanche. Sidney Sheldon tells shorter stories!
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| BLANCHE
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I know in my heart, if I'd just followed my feelings that day at the Rexall drugstore, today I would be Mrs. Andy Griffith! I'm not gonna make the same mistake with Dirk that I made with Andy.
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| BLANCHE gets off the couch and goes into her bedroom.
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| DOROTHY
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Didn't she tell us that story before?
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| SOPHIA
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Yes, but the last time it was Woolworth's, a toenail clipper, and John Cameron Swayze.
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| TIME LAPSE. SCENE: LIVING ROOM. BLANCHE is on the floor in front of the television, working out to a workout tape. The coffee table has been moved out of her way, and there are several small bottles on the table. DOROTHY is laying on the couch behind her.
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| WOMAN ON TV
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Inhale! (Blanche inhales) Good!
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| WOMAN ON TV
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Exhale and lean back!
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| BLANCHE leans back, huffing and puffing. She is struggling to hold her position as DOROTHY looks over at her.
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| WOMAN ON TV
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Keep breathing!
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| DOROTHY
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The only time I get in that position is when I give birth.
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| BLANCHE suddenly exclaims in pain as she falls out of her position.
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| BLANCHE
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Ah, my back!
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| DOROTHY
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Are you alright?
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| BLANCHE
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No, but it's worth it. No pain, no gain. Gotta look good for Dirk. A man his age is used to a trim body with good tone.
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| DOROTHY
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Then buy him a Princess phone.
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| BLANCHE opens the bottles sitting on the coffee table and begins popping the pills in them,
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| DOROTHY
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What are you doing now?
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| BLANCHE
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I'm taking my bee pollen and my sheep's liver extract, and my fish oil protein. I'm getting younger with each passing day!
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| DOROTHY
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Great. When they defrost Walt Disney, he'll have someone to go out with.
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| BLANCHE
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Go ahead, make fun. These treatments are working.
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| DOROTHY
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Oh, come on, Blanche. Now think about it for a minute. If you feel you have to go through all of this, what kind of a relationship can this possibly be?
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| BLANCHE
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A youthful relationship. A relationship that I want. Dorothy, Dirk is the youngest man I've ever dated. If I'm gonna keep him, I've got to give it all I got. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some road work to do.
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| BLANCHE gets up off the floor and begins to jog in place. She jogs over to the front door, and ROSE opens the front door.
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| ROSE
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Hi, Blanche. You look terrific.
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| BLANCHE
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Thanks!
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| BLANCHE jogs out of the house. ROSE shuts the door and turns back to DOROTHY.
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| ROSE
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Blanche looks terrible.
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| DOROTHY
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She looks terrible because all she eats is bee pollen.
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| ROSE
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I know! Isn't it ironic that the bees look so good?
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| DOROTHY
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What are you doing home?
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| ROSE
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I came home early to be with Mother.
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| DOROTHY
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No, my mother took her to the track.
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| ROSE
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(shocked) You let her out of the house?!
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| DOROTHY
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No, she dug a tunnel out of her bedroom with a dessert spoon.
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| ROSE
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Oh, my Lord! She's out on the street and it's almost dark!
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| DOROTHY
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Honey, she's fine. She's with my mother.
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| ROSE
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Oh, Sophia's different, Dorothy. She's, she's, she's your mother. My mother's led a very quiet life. All this is gonna be too much for her.
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| DOROTHY
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Come on, honey. She's out betting on the horses, not rounding them up.
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| SOPHIA, OFF-SCREEN
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Hello? Anyone home?
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| ROSE and DOROTHY go into the living room to see ALMA and SOPHIA returning from the track.
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| ROSE
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Oh, Mother, are you all right?
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| SOPHIA
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She's fine. I'm fifty bucks in the hole.
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| ALMA
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Look, Rose! I won $400!
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| DOROTHY
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I told you she was alright. Congratulations, Alma. Ma, I'll be in the living room...in case you decide to explain where you got the $50 that you just lost.
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| ALMA
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Sophia, what time does that mall close? I feel like getting wild! I'll buy you some of that bikini underwear.
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| SOPHIA
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Nah, it rides up on me.
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| ROSE
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Mother, you've had quite enough for one day. Now you sit right down there, and I'll bring you a nice cup of tea.
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| ALMA
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I don't want a cup of tea, I want to go out and have fun!
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| ROSE
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Mother, you know how you get when you get tired. You're liable to lose your balance and break a hip. That's exactly how it happened the last time.
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| ALMA
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Rosie, I broke my hip ice skating!
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| ROSE
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Do you want to go back to the hospital? Did you have fun the last time?
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| ALMA
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I had more fun than I'm having here with you.
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| ROSE
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(shocked) Mother!
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| ALMA
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Stop mothering me! You make me sorry I came!
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| ALMA storms out of the kitchen.
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| TIME LAPSE. ROSE checks the front porch, looking to see if her mother has come home yet.
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| DOROTHY
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Come on, Rose. You just checked the door two minutes ago.
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| ROSE
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I thought I heard something. (She shuts the door.) I should never have let them go shopping. It's too dangerous.
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| DOROTHY
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What are you talking about?
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| ROSE
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Just this morning, I read where 1400 people were injured in a food riot in Calcutta.
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DOROTHY stares at ROSE, baffled. SOPHIA enters through the front door, by herself.
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| ROSE
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Oh, Sophia, thank goodness you're home! Where's Mother?
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| SOPHIA
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She was feeling lucky so she wanted to try her hand at jai-alai.
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| DOROTHY
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Why didn't you go with her?
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| SOPHIA
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I'm too short to play jai-alai.
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| ROSE
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Sophia, you left my mother alone, roaming through a strange city?
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| SOPHIA
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Who's roaming? She has a bus map, $400, and a Spanish/English dictionary.
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| ROSE
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I can't believe my mother's out riding around on a smelly old bus, being pushed around, harassed, possibly even mugged by hostile teenagers with bad haircuts.
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| DOROTHY
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You are overreacting! Come on now. Your mother is not a helpless little girl. She is an active, vital woman who can take care of herself.
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|
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The phone rings. ROSE goes to answer it.
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| ROSE
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I'll get that. (She picks up the phone and answers it.) Hello? Yes, this is she. (Rose's eyes widen in horror.) Oh, my Lord!
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| DOROTHY
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What is it?
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| ROSE
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Yes, I understand. I'll be right down. (She hangs up the phone and runs to grab her purse.)
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| DOROTHY
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What's wrong?
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| ROSE
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That was the police.
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| DOROTHY
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What's the matter? Is it your mother? Is she all right?
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| ROSE
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She's fine. She's at the police station. They picked up my vital, active mother. She was lost and disoriented, what do you say to that?
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| DOROTHY
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Oh, come on now. Calm down, Rose.
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| ROSE
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I have to go
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| DOROTHY
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I'm gonna go with you.
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| ROSE
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No, thanks. You've been quite enough help already.
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| ROSE exits through the front door.
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| DOROTHY
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Well, I hope Alma's all right.
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| SOPHIA
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Don't worry about Alma. She's a tough old broad.
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| BLANCHE enters from her bedroom, all dressed up and looking more youthful than ever.
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| BLANCHE
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Dorothy, look at me. I have turned back the hands of time. Since Dirk asked me out, I've dropped ten years. Why, my face is smooth, my body is taut, and my gears are grinding.
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| DOROTHY
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No matter what you do to your face, your body, or your gears, you are still your age.
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| SOPHIA
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Of course you are. Gravity always takes its toll. Look at me! I used to be a tall, voluptuous blonde with a butt like granite.
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| BLANCHE
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When Dirk looks at me, you think he sees an old woman? No, he sees a young, vibrant, passionate contemporary.
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| DOROTHY
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Blanche, you haven't even been out with him yet.
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| BLANCHE
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But my instincts are infallible in this. Believe me, I know men.
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| DOROTHY
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No arguments here.
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| The doorbell rings. BLANCHE goes to answer it.
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| BLANCHE
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A husband like Dirk could keep me young another twenty years.
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| SOPHIA
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Or kill ya.
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| BLANCHE answers the door to see DIRK ready for their date.
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| DIRK
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You look gorgeous.
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| BLANCHE
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Oh, why really?
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| DIRK
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Yeah.
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| BLANCHE
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Goodness, I didn't even have time to put on my makeup. Would you mind waiting in the van, Dirk? I'll be with you in just a minute.
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| DIRK
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Sure.
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| BLANCHE shuts the door on DIRK and looks back at DOROTHY and SOPHIA.
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| BLANCHE
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I do believe the man said "gorgeous." I'm gonna live forever!
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| DOROTHY
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Not outside of an institution.
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| BLANCHE laughs and leaves the house. End of Act 1.
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