Bedtime Story/Transcript

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This is a transcribed copy of Bedtime Story. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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This is the full complete transcription of season 2 episode 17 of the Golden Girls.

Transcription[]

[Scene 1][]

[Sophia is cooking alone in the kitchen during the evening]

Blanche: Mmm. Sophia, what are you doing up?
Sophia: I'm cooking, I couldn't sleep.
Blanche: [gasps] Me neither. What are you making?
Sophia: Sausage and peppers, pasta pesto, and ziti with oil and garlic.
Blanche: Oooh Ooh, and what is this?
Sophia: Garbage. Rose cooked it.
[Rose enters]
Rose: Mmm! This kitchen smells terrific. My chipped beef must be done. Oh Sophia, would you like a little scoop on some lightly-toasted white bread?
Sophia: Who do I look like, Beetle Bailey?
[Dorothy enters]
Dorothy: Ma, Ma! You'll never guess who I was just on the phone with.
Sophia: Uncle Vito.
Dorothy: How did you know?
Sophia: I picked up the phone and listened in. It's a little thing I do.
Dorothy: Girls, my Uncle Vito is coming to Miami for a visit, and he's going to stay with us. He's arrives Thursday, he's gonna stay a whole week.
Rose: Where is he gonna stay?
Dorothy: He cant take my room. I'll double up with Ma.
Rose: Well I was gonna stay with you! My cousin Milo's coming. Don't you remember? He's going to be in town for the 14th annual hog expo.
Dorothy: Is it the 14th annual already? It seems just like yesterday it was the 12th annual. ♪Sunrise, sunset, sunrise sunset♪
Blanche: Dorothy now cut it out. What are we gonna do?
Dorothy: We'll figure out some arrangements. We always do. Besides everything will turn out fine as long as I do not have to sleep with Rose.
Rose: Me? Why don't you want to sleep with me?
Dorothy: Well honey, for starters, you talk in your sleep.
Sophia: And let's face it, you're no Dick Cavett awake.
Rose: I do not talk in my sleep.
Blanche: Oh yes you do too, and you snore.
Rose: No I don't. Dorothy snores.
Blanche: Oh that's right. Dorothy I swear you snore worse than a sailor passed out at an adult motel after a night of unbridled passion, while I had to call a cab to take me home.....Never mind. The point is, you snore.
Sophia: Hey, let's face it. None of you is a day at the beach. Remember when we had that cold snap and the heat gave out? Boy what a night!
[talking overlaps, scene fades away]

[Scene 2][]

[Sophia is sleeping in her room as Dorothy enters.]

Sophia: Salvadore, if you want to fool around, take off your t-shirt. You're gonna get linguine all over me.
Dorothy: Ma, Ma, go back to sleep. It's just me Dorothy.
Sophia: Get the hell outta my bed!
Dorothy: Ma, have a heart. The heat went out again. I'm freezing to death. You're the only one who has an electric blanket.
Sophia: I'll die under here with you. Your body's like a heat sponge. You'll suck up all the heat and I'll get up in the morning a frozen fish stick.
Dorothy: Ma don't be ridiculous, just turn up the heat.
Sophia: It's already on 9. On 10 you can cook a Lean Cuisine.
Dorothy: Goodnight Ma.
[Brief Pause]
Dorothy: You know Ma. [chuckling] This reminds me of the time the heat went out in our old apartment back in Brooklyn. I was about oh, seven years old, cause I was still sleeping with my rag doll Mrs. Doolittle. I remember I woke up in the middle of the night with my teeth chattering. I got out of bed and tiptoed to your bedroom door. I opened it a crack and I whispered "Mommy, Mrs. Doolittle is cold. Mommy Mrs. Doolittle-"
Sophia: Dorothy?
Dorothy: Yes Ma?
Sophia: Cut the crap I'm not in the mood.
[Blanche quickly enters]
Blanche: Oh girls! Girls, could I please share your electric blanket?
Dorothy and Sophia: No
Blanche: Oh come on! I can't sleep, my bed's never been so cold, especially on a Saturday night.
Dorothy: Oh all right. Get in.
Blanche: [Shuddering] Brr [shudders]. Listen, did you hear that sound?
Sophia: Yeah and as long as I'm in my own bed I'll do what I want.
Blanche: I mean, it sounded like the heat kicking on.
Sophia: Thank God, get back to your own beds.
[Rose enters holding a wrench and screwdriver]
Rose: Hi everybody.
Blanche: What are you doing?
Rose: I've been tinkering with the heater trying to get it to work.
Dorothy: Oh Rose you're a genius.
Sophia: Boy, that's a sentence you don't hear everyday.
Rose: She's working great now, except for one little thing. I turned the air conditioner on instead of the heater and now it won't go off.
Blanche: Great! Now it's gonna be colder inside than it is outside.
Rose: I think you're right. There's an icicle forming on the nose of my bunny slippers. Move over.
Blanche: Oh. Ow. Oh.
Rose: There that's not so bad.
Blanche: Get your bunny nose out of my butt.
Sophia: Let's just get some sleep.
Dorothy: Good night Ma. Good night Moe, good night Larry.
Rose: I'm not gonna be able to sleep. I'm on the wrong side of the bed.
Blanche: Well I usually sleep on the right side. And i want to be on the right side.
Sophia: What the hell is everyone so particular about? In Sicily, four in a bed is a treat. It means that half your family is on vacation. I slept with my two brothers until I was 17. I was engaged to one for a very short period of time.
Rose: I wouldn't mind hearing it!
Blanche: Oh.
Dorothy: Rose, shut up. Everybody stay where you are and go to sleep. I have to go to work early in the morning!
Rose: Oh darn I forgot something.
Blanche: Go in your pajamas!
Rose: No it's not that. I forgot to say my prayers.
Dorothy: Oh Rose God wouldn't mind if you skipped a night. He's very busy these days. Most of his free time is spent talking to Pat Robertson.
Rose: Hello God, it's me. Rose Nylund. I'm sorry to be getting in touch so late tonight. I hope I didn't wake you.
Blanche: Oh God.
Rose: One at a time Blanche. Anyway I just wanted to say I, think you're doing a terrific job. Of course there's somethings I don't understand. Like poverty, and the spokesmodel category on Star Search. But then again you work your wonders in mysterious ways. A couple of years ago on a night like this I woulda frozen to death cause I was by myself. And now I have Dorothy and Blanche and Sophia to keep me warm. Not just on a cold winter's night but all year long. Take care of them God. If anything happened I just-
Deep Voice (Sounds like Dorothy): Rose thanks for the lovely prayer. Now shut up and get to bed.
Rose: Amen!
Blanche: Nice work Dorothy.
Dorothy: Wasn't me.
Blanche: [Concerned] Sweet Jesus am I in trouble? Now I lay me down to sleep...
[Scene fades away and back into the opening scene]

[Scene 3][]

[The girls are all in the kitchen, having just finished reminiscing the previous scene as a memory.]

Blanche: [Laughing] You know I'd almost forgotten about that night.
Dorothy: With all of us cramped into that bed, I had to sleep in positions I never thought possible.
Rose: [Snickering] Me too.
Blanche: [Noticeably non-speaking and smiling]. [Pause] Sophia, when's that food going to be ready to taste?
Rose: Oh my chipped beef is ready!
Blanche: Oh well, I was more in the mood for something hot.
Rose: Mine's hot.
Blanche: Well I was more in the mood for something spicy.
Rose: Mine's spicy.
Sophia: She was more in the mood for something that wouldn't test her gag reflex. I'll fix you a plate of mine Blanche.
Dorothy: And I'll try some of yours Rose.
Rose: Coming right up.
[Thunder strikes outside]
Rose: Oh! Oh I hate thunderstorms. They make me a nervous wreck.
Blanche: That's another reason I don't like to bunk with you Rose. Everything makes you nervous, and when you're nervous you get unbearable. You remember that awful night you came barging into my room like a raving lunatic? I was ready to kill you.
[Scene fades away]

[Scene 4][]

[Blanche is getting ready for bed in her room.]

[Hasty knocking at the door]
Blanche: Come in.
[Rose enters]
Rose: Blanche!
Blanche: Hmm?
Rose: I just heard on the radio, two killers escaped from a Georgia state penitentiary.
Blanche: So?
Rose: So?! They could be headed here.
Blanche: Honey, they escaped in Georgia. Why on Earth would they come to Miami?
Rose: For the same reason we did.
Blanche: Eligible men? Rose I'm sure there's nothing to worry about
Rose: Well I- I just thought you oughta know.
Blanche: Yah I appreciate it.
Rose: I won't bother you again. [Slowly motions to leave the room]
Blanche: Goodnight.
Rose: Oh please Blanche! Please! I'm too scared to go back to my room. [Hurries back in] This kind of thing has always frightened me, ever since I was a little girl, when I first heard my parents whispering about the St. Olaf slasher.
Blanche: Slasher?
Rose: Yes! Oh he terrorized St. Olaf for months. In the dark of night he'd sneak into an unsuspecting farmer's field and mercilessly slash his scarecrow to shreds.
Blanche: He was a scarecrow slasher?
Rose: Primarily. Although he was suspected in the disfigurement of several whisk brooms. Oh I was so scared at night I'd sleep in the closet so he couldn't find me.
Blanche: Rose don't say another word to me. Just get into bed but don't say another word.
Rose: Oh Blanche, you'll never even know I'm here.
Blanche: Fine.
[Thunder rumbling in the distance]
Rose: When are you coming to bed Blanche?
Blanche: In a minute.
Rose: What are you doing?
Blanche: I am contouring my eyebrows. I use Miss Christie Brinkley as a guide cause we have exactly the same bone structure. I just hope she doesn't let herself go to pot after that baby comes. I don't want that, big-eyed husband of hers coming after me.
Rose: I never do very much with my eyebrows.
Blanche: That's why from the nose up you look like Wilford Brimley. Now don't say another word, just go to sleep.
[Thunder]
Rose: Can I leave my light on?
Blanche: All right yes yes. [sighs]
Rose: I want you to know Blanche, I really appreciate this.
Blanche: Did I just say "Go to sleep?"
Rose: I can't I'm too scared. Tell me a story.
Blanche: What?
Rose: Tell me a story. It always worked when I was a little girl.
Blanche: I don't know any stories!
Rose: Make one up!
Blanche: Oh all right. Once upon a time there were 3 little bears-
Rose: Not that one.
Blanche: Pigs.
Rose: No!
Blanche: Elephants. And they lived with a girl names Rose.
Rose: The elephants lived in the house?
Blanche: They were elephant dolls. Every night when Rose would go to bed, she'd take the 3 elephants with her because they made her feel so safe and secure.
Rose: Elephant dolls?!
Blanche: Right. Elephant dolls. Until finally one night, they got so sick and tired of Rose annoying them that they went to sleep someplace else. And two big ol' escaped convicts snuck in through the window and murdered Rose in her sleep.
Rose: Oh! [Runs into the closet]
Blanche: Rose. Oh Rose! Grow up!
[Outro music plays while scene fades away]

[Scene 5][]

[Intro music queues, the girls have just finished dinner]

Blanche: Mmm, Sophia that ziti was delicious.
Sophia: Please, tell me something I don't know.
Rose: Dorothy, you didn't even taste my chipped beef.
Dorothy: Of course I did Rose.
Rose: You didn't like it?
Dorothy: Oh don't be ridiculous, I loved it.
Rose: Well then have another bite.
Dorothy: Okay.
[Dorothy struggles to get the fork to her mouth]
[Thunder bangs. The house loses power]
Blanche: Oh not the power lines must be down.
Sophia: That's just great, I got 10 pounds of fresh clams in the refrigerator.
[Power returns]
[Dorothy wipes her mouth after "eating"]
Dorothy: Mmmm. Rose that was delicious. Oh thank you.
Sophia: Who moved my purse!? [Picks up purse] Why does it feel so heavy?
[Dorothy grabs purse]
Dorothy: Now uh, listen you know, we- we have these uh people who are coming to visit and we still haven't decided what our sleeping arrangements are going to be.
Blanche: I volunteer to sleep with Sophia.
Dorothy: Oh no, I think I should sleep with Ma. i mean we've done it many times before, we always get along just fine.
Sophia: Except when you're sick. You remember the time you had bronchitis?
Dorothy: Oh honey I was really ill.
[music queues and scene fades]

[Scene 6][]

[Dorothy is sleeping in bed. Sophia watches from a chair]

[Sophia checks out the nightstand, and kisses Dorothy on the forehead]
Sophia: Cool as a cucumber thank God.
Dorothy: [groggily] Ma, you woke me up.
Sophia: It's time to take your medicine anyway.
Dorothy: I just took my medicine.
Sophia: You took it after dinner, and then you went to sleep. Now read me how much medicine you're supposed to take. I don't remember.
Dorothy: "Two teaspoons every six hours."
Sophia: That's wrong.
Dorothy: Ma it's written here in black and white.
Sophia: So? The pharmacist made a mistake. He's not perfect. If the man really knew what he was doing he would be a doctor instead of just dressing like one.
Dorothy: Ma give me a break, I'll take my medicine later.
Sophia: You know you're a lousy patient.
Dorothy: Ma what do you want from me?! I'm sick.
Sophia: [Sarcastically] I don't know that? You think I've been sitting here for 3 nights just to look at you? Believe me, you're no oil painting. I've been sitting here because I thought you needed me. You needed me when you had the mumps, the chicken pox, whooping cough, rubella...... or was Rubella our cleaning lady? It doesn't matter, the point is it hurts me to see my baby sick. But if I'm only being a nuisance, I'll be happy to leave you alone. [starts leaving]
Dorothy: Oh Ma, Ma wait. Ma no don't. Ma. Ma don't go. Ma, Ma please. Come back here Ma, I do need you. I do need you. I'm sorry I'm just cranky. No you're right, I am a lousy patient. I always have been. [sighs] I remember when I was a little girl and used to get those terrible chest colds, and you'd whip up a batch of that homemade liniment to rub on my chest. Ooh that was nasty stuff. Cod liver oil, garlic, petroleum jelly, parsley. I remember once I asked you "Why parsley?" You said [gesturing] "Presentation is very important." Oh whenever I saw you coming down the hall with that ceramic bowl and a paintbrush I'd run and hide under my bed and cry. Then you'd rub some on my doll, Mrs. Doolittle to show me that it didn't hurt. And I'd come out under the bed and put some on my chest and the next day I'd always feel better. You remember Ma?
[Sophia is passed out on the bed]
[Dorothy covers Sophia with a blanket, and takes off her glasses]
Dorothy: Goodnight Ma. [Dorothy kisses Sophia on the forehead] Thanks for everything.
[music outros, and the scene fades]

[Scene 7][]

[Dorothy has just told the story of how Sophia had fallen asleep in her bed whilst nursing her through bronchitis]

Sophia: I heard every word you said, I wasn't asleep. I was just resting my eyes so you'd leave me alone. I used to do that with your father. It only worked about half of the time. Asleep, awake -it didn't matter to him! Men are built that way. No it's a fact! I saw Dr. Art Ulene explain it on The Today Show with a plastic model.
Dorothy: Please, Ma. You slept like a baby. I know because I spent the whole night awake in that chair.
Blanche: Well, it couldn't be any worse than trying to sleep on a hard wooden bench in the middle of a railway station!
Sophia: Boy, you do it any place, don't you, Blanche?
Rose: Blanche is talking about coming home from Edna McCarthy's funeral.
Sophia: Edna McCarthy is dead? Oh my God, that's terrible. I just sent her a chain letter. There's a dollar I'll never see!
Blanche: What a terrible night that was. I remember we were trying to make a train connection to get back to Miami...
[Blanche's word fade as well as the scene]

[Scene 8][]

[An establishing shot of the train station prefaces the scene. Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose enter]

Dorothy: Come on girls we only have 10 minutes to catch out next train.
Blanche: I don't think I can take another 3 hours on a train.
Rose: Oh I'm looking forward to it. But then again I've always loved trains.
[Stationmaster passes by]
Dorothy: Oh excuse me. Uh, what track does the 9:15 to Miami leave on?
Stationmaster: Well ma'am, we've only got one track. But we call it track 19. Nobody knows why, but it sure gives everybody something to talk about while they're waiting on the next tornado to hit the mobile home.
Dorothy: Thank you very much, oh and please say hello to Opie and Aunt Bee for me when you see them.
Rose: Why don't we wait outside on the platform? The train will be along in a few minutes.
Stationmaster: The 9:15 to Miami left at 8:45.
Dorothy: How could our train have left a half hour early?!
Stationmaster: Oh all the trains out of Appalapachobee leave early. That's what our town is famous for! Now ya'll may think this sounds kind of silly, but we actually printed "our trains leave early" right on the town seal.
Rose: You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those little horns?
Stationmaster: No but he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first.
Blanche: This is like a Twilight Zone, somehow we got on a that ended up inside Rose's mind.
Dorothy: Yeah, uh, when is the next train to Miami?
Stationmaster: Well, we've got one scheduled to leave at 6 AM tomorrow morning.
Rose: Does that mean it'll actually leave at 5:30?
Stationmaster: Welcome to Appalapachobee!
Dorothy: Oh I don't believe this. I mean this has to be the most depressing day of my life. First Edna McCarthy's funeral, now this.
Blanche: You know being at her funeral today made me start thinking about how quickly life can pass you by. Maybe I ought to be more adventurous in my life.
Dorothy: "More" adventurous? The Kama Sutra had to publish a supplement because of you.
Blanche: I'm not talking about men. I'm talking about things I've always wanted to do, but never got around to trying. Dorothy, didn't you ever have something you wanted to do? Some kind of secret desire you always kept on the back burner?
Dorothy: Mm-hmm. I always wanted to try a nudist camp.
Stationmaster:[overhearing] Some big pots belong on the back burner.
Dorothy: [to stationmaster] Uh, don't you have a cousin you should be dating?
[Dorothy and the stationmaster stare at each other]
[Train horn blows in the distance]
Blanche: Wait a minute, I thought you said there weren't any trains until morning.
Stationmaster: No more trains to Miami. that's the 9:20 to Sarasota.
Blanche: [sadly] Oh.
Dorothy: Oh well. Maybe we should try and get some sleep.
Blanche: I'm not gonna be able to sleep. I'm just too depressed.
Dorothy: Me too.
[The girls make themselves comfortable on the benches]
Rose: This has been a terrible day. A friend's funeral, stuck in a train station in the middle of nowhere, trying to sleep on a hard wooden bench. I don't think I have ever been this depressed in my entire life.
[Main clown walks in, he observes the women]
Blanche: [peaks] You know Rose, you really ought to take off some of that makeup before you go to sleep
[A procession of clowns enters]
Rose: What? I don't believe it. A circus! Where did they come from?
Stationmaster: The 9:20 to Sarasota's a circus train.
Rose: Girls, this is a miracle. Our paths crossed here so they could cheer us up. Excuse me. Mr. Clown. Could you do something to put smiles on the faces of three gloomy guses?
Main Clown: Buzz off, lady. I'm on a cigarette break.
[outro music as the scene faces out and back into the kitchen

[Scene 9][]

[We look back at the girls in the kitchen, as they finish reminiscing about the trains station.]

Rose: [Laughing] What a terrible night that was.
Blanche: It wasn't so bad. Something good came out of it. I dated floppo the clown for several months after that. You know, his feet really were that big. Which, of course, as I'm sure you're both aware, means...
Dorothy: Er...Ma, is there any more of that ziti?
Sophia: Nope, cleaned me out, there's not a drop of food left.
Blanche: Oh then what do you say we call it a night huh?
Rose: Well wait a minute, we haven't decided what to do about cousin Milo and uncle Vito.
Blanche: Oh yah I have an idea on that, now look they're both family they'll understand, what do you say we all chip in and put em up at the Holiday Inn?
Rose: Oh sounds good to me.
Dorothy: Me too. What do you think Ma?
Sophia: You know, in the right hands and the right bag, this chipped beef is not half bad.
[Outro music, credits appear, the episode has ended]

V - E - H List of The Golden Girls transcripts
Season 1	The Engagement • Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding • Rose the Prude • Transplant • The Triangle • On Golden Girls • The Competition • Break-In • Blanche and the Younger Man • The Heart Attack • The Return of Dorothy's Ex • The Custody Battle • A Little Romance • That Was No Lady • In a Bed of Rose's • The Truth Will Out • Nice and Easy • The Operation • Second Motherhood • Adult Education • The Flu • Job Hunting • Blind Ambitions • Big Daddy • The Way We Met
Season 2	End of the Curse • Ladies of the Evening • Take Him, He's Mine • It's a MIserable Life • Isn't It Romantic • Big Daddy's Little Lady • Family Affair • Vacation • Joust Between Friends • Love, Rose • 'Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas • The Sisters • The Stan who Came to Dinner • The Actor • Before and After • And Then There Was One • Bedtime Story • Forgive Me Father • Long Day's Journey into Marinara • Whose Face is This, Anyway? • Dorothy's Prized Pupil • Diamond in the Rough • Son-in-Law Dearest • To Catch a Neighbor • A Piece of Cake • Empty Nests
Season 3	Old Friends • One for the Money • Bringing Up Baby • The Housekeeper • Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself • Letters to Gorbachev • Strange Bedfellows • Brotherly Love • A Visit from Little Sven • The Audit • Three on a Couch • Charlie's Buddy • The Artist • Blanche's Little Girl • Dorothy's New Friend • Grab That Dough • My Brother, My Father • Golden Moments, Part I • Golden Moments, Part 2 • And Ma Makes Three • Larceny and Old Lace • Rose's Big Adventure • Mixed Blessings • Mister Terrific • Mother's Day
Season 4	Yes, We Have No Havanas • The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo • The One That Got Away • Yokel YHero • Bang the Drum, Stanley • Sophia's Wedding, Part 1 • Sophia's Wedding, Part 2 • Brother, Can You Spare That Jacket • Scared Straight • Stan Takes A Wife • The Auction • Blind Date • The Impotence of Being Ernest • Love Me Tender • Valentine's Day • Two Rode Together • You Gotta Have Hope • Fiddler on the Ropes • Till Death Do We Volley • High Anxiety • Little Sister • Sophia's Choice • Rites of Spring • Foreign Exchange • We're Outta Here, Part 1 • We're Outta Here, Part 1
Season 5	Sick and Tired, Part 1 • Sick and Tired, Part 2 The Accurate Conception • Rose Fights Back • Love Under the Big Top • Dancing in the Dark • Not Another Monday • That Old Feeling • Comedy of Errors • All That Jazz • Ebb Tide • Have Yourself A Very Little Christmas • Blind Date • Mary Has A Little Lamb • Triple Play • CLinton Avenue Memoirs • Like the Beep Beep Beep of the Tom-Tom • An Illegitimate Concer • 72 HOurs • Twice In A Lifetime • Sisters and Other Strangers • Cheaters • The Mangiacavallo Curse Makes a Lousy Wedding Present • All Bets Are Off • The President's Coming! The President's Coming!, Part 1 • The President's Coming! The President's Coming!, Part 2
Season 6	Blanche Delivers • Once, In St. Olaf • If At Last You Do Succeed • Snap Out Of It • Wham, Bam, Thank You Mammy • Feelings • Zborn Again • How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sophia? • Mrs. George Devereaux • Girls Just Wanna Have Fun... Before They Die • Stand By Your Man • Ebbtide's Revenge • The Bloom Is Off the Rose • Sisters of the Bride • Miles to Go • There Goes the Bride, Part 1 • There Goes the Bride, Part 2 • Older and Wiser • Melodrama • Even Grandmas Get the Blues • Witness • What A Difference A Date Makes • Love for Sale • Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Retirement Home, Part 1 • Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Retirement Home, Part 2 • Henny Penny — Straight, No Chaser
Season 7	Hey, Look Me Over • The Case of the Libertine Belle • Beauty and the Beast • That's For Me to Know • Where's Charlie? • Mother Load • Dateline: Miami • The Monkey Show, Part 1 • The Monkey Show: Part 2 • Ro$e Love$ Mile$ • Room Seven • From Here to the Pharmacy • The Pope's Ring • Old Boyfriends • Goodbye, Mr. Gordon • The Commitments • Questions and Answers • Ebbtide VI: The Wrath of Stan • Journey to the Center of Attention • A Midwinter Night's Dream, Part 1 • A Midwinter Night's Dream, Part 2 • Rose: Portrait of a Woman • Home Again, Rose, Part 1 • Home Again, Rose, Part 2 • One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest, Part 1 • One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest, Part 2