| ACT 1
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| Speaker
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Dialogue
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Interior: 6151 Richmond Street, living room, afternoon. DOROTHY is reading a newspaper on the couch. SOPHIA enters the living room from STAGE LEFT, and sits down on the couch next to her.
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| SOPHIA
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Dorothy, I want a driver’s license.
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| DOROTHY
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What for?
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| SOPHIA
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I'm doing a lot of stunt work in the new Burt Reynolds movie. Why do you think?
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| DOROTHY
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Come on, Ma. You haven't driven in years. Why is this coming up now?
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| SOPHIA
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This morning at the center, Gladys Weinstock and I had a fight. We both claim we're natural redheads, but of course at our age we can't prove it anymore.
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| DOROTHY
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So?
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| SOPHIA
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So when I pulled out my license to show her, everyone saw it was expired. And it made feel old, Dorothy. I wanna learn again.
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| DOROTHY
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Oh, come on, Ma, you're 81 years old. Your eyesight is weaker. Your reflexes are slower.
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| SOPHIA
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And who are you, Magic Johnson? Dorothy, please.
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| DOROTHY
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Oh alright, Ma, alright. We'll give it a try. But Ma, if anything goes wrong, we stop.
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| SOPHIA
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Relax, there are some things you never forget. Driving a car is like making love. In both cases, a mirror makes objects appear larger than they really are.
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SOPHIA exits STAGE LEFT. BLANCHE enters from the kitchen, looking incensed.
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| BLANCHE
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Oh, Dorothy, I'm just so angry. Floyd McCallum just called me. One hour before he's supposed to pick me up in his brand new two-tone Mercedes. He's canceled our date for tonight.
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| DOROTHY
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Well, he probably had a good reason.
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| BLANCHE
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Oh, he said he had to go and visit his sick mother in the hospital. Did you ever hear such a weak excuse?
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| DOROTHY
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And his mother isn't in the hospital?
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| BLANCHE
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Well, of course, she is. But he can visit her anytime! He can only see me tonight!
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ROSE enters from outside, carrying a pink cake box. She closes the door and walks STAGE LEFT towards the couch.
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| ROSE
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Is my cousin Sven here yet?
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| DOROTHY
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No, Rose.
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| ROSE
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Oh, good. I got caught up at work and I barley had time to pick up this cake. I wanted to make Sven feel welcome.
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| BLANCHE
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(inspecting the box) Rose! That cake is from the Get It While It's Hot Erotic Bake Shop!
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DOROTHY opens the box and is stunned to see the cake inside.
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| DOROTHY
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Whoa-ho!
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| BLANCHE
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(looks inside the box) Why, Rose Nylund! Why, that cake is in the shape of-
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| DOROTHY
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Blanche, we know what it is.
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| ROSE
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I thought it was in the shape of Florida!
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| BLANCHE
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That reminds me. I gotta give Charlie Milbourne a call.
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| DOROTHY
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If this cake reminds you of Charlie Milbourne, we could both give him a call.(As Dorothy speaks, she keeps looking inside the cake box.) Rose, how, how long is your cousin Sven going to, uh...be, uh...staying here with us? (She closes the box.)
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| ROSE
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(takes the box from Dorothy and goes to sit on the couch.) Oh, just a couple of days. On Saturday, he's flying back to St. Olaf to meet his fiancée.
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| BLANCHE
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(sits next to her) Oh, she went on alone?
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| ROSE
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No, he's never met her. It's an arranged marriage. See, Little Sven's father, we call him Big Sven, uh...left the old country two years ago and settled in St. Olaf. Then, he sent for the rest of his family. First he brought his father over. We call him Big Sven 2.
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| BLANCHE
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Well, doesn't that get confusing, you having two Big Svens?
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| ROSE
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There aren't, Blanche. There's Big Sven and Big Sven 2. Like Jaws and Jaws 2.
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| DOROTHY
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Rose, are any of your relatives named Psycho and Psycho 2?
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| ROSE
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Anyway, Big Sven picked out a bride for Little Sven and, and now he's flying him over.
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| DOROTHY
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Oh, I don't know. It seems so unfair to me. An arranged marriage.
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| BLANCHE
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Oh, I don't know, Dorothy. I think it can be fun. George and I had that kind of marriage. George would dress up as a ghost and chase me around the house with one of the little fly swatters, and then when he caught me-
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| DOROTHY
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Blanche, I'm talking about arranged marriages, not deranged marriages.
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| BLANCHE
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Oh, sorry.
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The doorbell rings. As she speaks, ROSE sets the cake on the coffee table and gets up from the couch.
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| ROSE
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Oh, that must be Sven!
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ROSE opens the front door. SVEN is standing there with his suitcase.
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| SVEN
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Cousin Rose?
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| ROSE
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Cousin Sven!
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SVEN sets down his suitcase and the two of them hug.
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| ROSE
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Oh, let me look at you! Boy, have you grown!
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| SVEN
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We've never met.
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| ROSE
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But, admit it, you have grown!
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ROSE leads SVEN into the house and shuts the front door.
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| DOROTHY
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Uh...Rose, could you introduce Blanche and me?
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| ROSE
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Oh, of course. (She walks Sven over to the couch.) Dorothy, this Blanche. Blanche, this is Dorothy. (laughs) We have jokes like that around here all the time!
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| DOROTHY
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It's like living in a house full of Howie Mandels. Sven, I'm Dorothy. (She shakes Sven's hand.)
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| SVEN
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Hello.
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| BLANCHE
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(walks up to Sven and shakes his hand.) And I'm Blanche. Welcome.
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| SVEN
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Thank you.
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| BLANCHE
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Rose tells us you're getting married.
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| SVEN
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Yes, and I hope I'm good at it. I don't have that much experience with women.
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| BLANCHE
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A big, strong, handsome thing like you? Get out of here.
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SVEN immediately turns around, picks up his suitcase, and walks out the door.
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| SVEN
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Well, it was nice meeting all of you.
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ROSE, shocked, runs out of the house after him.
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| ROSE
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Oh, no! That was an expression, Sven!
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DOROTHY and BLANCHE stand in silence for a moment before BLANCHE turns to DOROTHY.
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| BLANCHE
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You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I think Rose got the brains in that family.
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| ACT 2
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| Speaker
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Dialogue
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