Bringing Up Baby

 was the third episode of Season 3 of The Golden Girls, also the 54th overall episode of the series.

Rose's uncle Hingeblotter dies and leaves Baby, his 29-year-old prize-winning pig, to her. The other girls object until they learn about the cash they will receive if they take care of the animal until it dies.

Plot
As the episode opens, Dorothy answers the front door to discover her mother returning home, uncertain of her location. This is probably due to the fact that she has lost her glasses, which were supposedly broken at the mall. Sophia had a very hard time getting back to the house, and all of her attempts to use a pay phone just resorted in purchasing condoms. Rose enters returns home with some odd news. Her uncle back in Minnesota has passed away, and in his will he left her custody of his baby. The girls are a bit perplexed as to how to address the situation. Dorothy admits that she always wished for another chance with a child, and soon everyone (with the exception of Sophia) has caught a severe case of hypothetical-baby fever. Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose take their enthusiasm to a different room, leaving the nearly blind Sophia to head to her bedroom; or, more accurately, to wander into traffic.

The next morning in the kitchen, Sophia wanders in and prepares to defecate on a chair right in the midst of her friends. The girls alert her that she is not actually in the bathroom and she exits, blaming her new semi-blindness for the blunder. Rose has been looking at old pictures, and Blanche has been worrying about the fact that the baby won’t have a male role model in its life. The gals tell her not to be concerned, especially Rose. At last, a man arrives at the door introducing himself as the deceased uncle’s legal representative, and he’s here with “the baby.” Only, as it turns out, “the baby” is actually Baby, a beautiful prized pig. The pig was apparently the pride and joy of Rose’s uncle, and her farm nostalgia starts firing on all cylinders. She is thrilled to have the pig with them, but the other girls are less than enthusiastic. That is, until the man at the door informs them that Baby comes with an incentive of $100,000 in pigbucks, providing the gals can look after him until his dying day; and as it turns out, the pig is currently 29 years into a projected 25 year lifespan, and Rose is willing to split the money.

Baby wanders over to eat some of her food that was left at ground level, as Dorothy finally delivers a new pair of glasses with the wrong frames to her. Much to Dorothy’s dismay, Rose has been giving the pig free reign of the house. Dorothy is a bit more curious about when the pig will die. Blanche is fuming mad, as Baby tore up her nightgown and has shown a tendency to watch her shower. Rose decides to call her family to see if someone else can take Baby off her hands, but Dorothy recalls that this would cost them the attached $100,000. She and Blanche hastily change Rose’s mind to allow the pig to stay, and the two conspirators are forced to cut Sophia in on the deal along the way. Once again we see Sophia’s incredibly subtle manipulation of events in play, as seconds after she is promised a $25,000 share, a suddenly sickly Baby collapses off screen.

Rose reveals them that a veterinarian has come to see Baby, and the vet informs them all that the real issue is that Baby has a mental problem. Simply put, he’s homesick. Rose immediately plans to send Baby back to the farm but the gals jump in to convince her otherwise, complimenting her as a pig-keeper and overstating their own swine-related affection. Rose eventually gives in and even thanks the girls for being the best friends ever. This causes the girls to experience guilt, prompting another shopping spree to cheer them up a bit.

Dorothy comes clean, and when Blanche is convinced that Baby really is homesick and depressed, even her heart is melted. They both feel awful and beg Rose’s forgiveness. The trio has all unanimously decided to send Baby back home where he’ll be happy, forfeiting the money. Sophia, however, is not pleased about this turn of events, but once again was not consulted in the matter.

The gals are in the kitchen where Sophia finally has a new pair of glasses with the correct old lady frames. A letter arrives from Rose’s cousin, informing her that Baby was very happy to be back on the farm, and that this was a great time for him to spend his final hour. Baby has actually died, along with any hope the girls had of claiming the associated $100,000.

The trio see that their Mercedes is being taken by the tow truck. Dorothy expresses her disappointment by saying that she is really depressed, she never even got to ride in it. To cheer themselves up a bit, we get one more mini-scene in which the gals manage to take a ride in the new car, even if this occurs while it is being pulled away by a tow truck.

Quotes
 Sophia: Is this 6151 Richmond Street?

Dorothy: Ma, what's the matter?

Sophia: Oh, Dorothy, thank God it's you. I broke my glasses at the mall and I can't see a thing. It- It took it took me six hours to find my way home.

Dorothy: Ma, if you couldn't see, why didn't you call me to come get you?

Sophia: I tried to, but every time I put in a dime and dialed, a condom popped out. I got five in my pocket. Here, Dorothy. A lifetime supply.  Blanche: Rose, honey, don't torture yourself. Now, Baby is very, very old. Whenever one of God's creatures outlives its normal life expectancy, why, it can go any minute.

Sophia: Would you mind not looking at me when you say that?